Chat With Dr. Laura Marshak
The Balanced Mind Foundation Live Event Transcript

Did you miss our chat with Laura Marshak? Read the transcript of this exciting and informative chat. The Balanced Mind Foundation will be hosting several more expert chats this Spring. Watch your email for more details. 

 Biography 

Laura Marshak, PhD is a licensed psychologist and the author of   Married with Special-Needs Children: A Couples' Guide to Keeping Connected, a book which addresses a broad range of parenting and marital issues common to parents of children with special needs. She is a professor of counseling at Indiana University of Pennsylvania as well as cofounder of a private practice clinic where she works with many parents of children with disabilities. Dr. Marshak’s professional interests focus on issues related to adjustment across the lifespan for persons with physical and/or psychiatric disabilities. Most of her publications are in that area and include books on the psychological aspects of disability with regard to both the individual and his or her family members.               

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
Dr. Marshak, would you care to make any opening remarks before we start taking questions? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Hello everybody. I have been looking forward to the opportunity to chat with you about this topic. 

Nikki 
Welcome Dr. Marshak 

Jamie 
Hello. It’s wonderful to have you here! 

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
Dr. Marshak, could you start out by sharing with us what prompted you to write your book? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
As a parent of children with disabilities myself, I know first hand a good bit about the impact of children with disorders on a marriage. Woodbine House actually approached me to write this book in recognition of the fact that so many marriages are under greater pressure as a result of intensified parenting. They were also aware of the higher divorce rate amongst such couples. 

So I very much wanted to write a book that realistically looks at the challenges as well as practical ways to make marriages work better under such conditions. I also want to add that one of my goals in writing this book was to share ideas from couples whose marriages work well while raising one or more children with disabilities.  

Nikki   
Dr. Marshak, we are a newly formed family--I married Steve (also in the room) last year and he has only lived in the house since August. We had no idea that our daughter had bipolar disorder at that time. Any tips for making sense out of her angry behavior, how to best address it in terms of discipline and understanding, and still keep the peace at home? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Hi Nikki, Let me address the part of the question pertaining to the new marriage. Am I correct in assuming that your daughter is essentially your step-child?   

Nikki   
No, she is Steve's stepdaughter 

Jamie   
Nikki, how old is your daughter? 

Nikki   
She is almost 15 

Laura Marshak PhD   
I am trying to address this concisely. I did write a chapter specifically about newly formed families, following remarriage in my book. Let me think for just a moment about the few main point that I want to emphasize.   
One of the things that are important is to not rush the children to become a "blended family" too quickly. It takes longer for them to adjust than many people realize-often a few years. And when you add BP into the mix-it is likely to be longer. When too much pressure is placed on children to quickly "blend in" they often act out a little more.   

I also want to add that it is very important to take time to nurture a new marriage (not to mention an older one) even if there is not peace in the home. Marriages can't be put on hold for too long. This means taking some time everyday to connect in ways that are not necessarily child-centered.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
That's a very good point. I suspect many couples will say that it's very hard to find the time or the energy to connect each day. 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Nanci, I wanted to add a little bit more about what you just mentioned. There are ways to find a little time. If you took 2% of your day to take care of yourself or your marriage-and that is a small percentage-this would amount to 20 minutes. This could be spent in very valuable ways for yourself or your relationship.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
I like the way you put that into perspective - no doubt we can find 20 minutes somewhere that we can reallocate. 

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
Our next question might help to address the issue of how to keep peace in the home and survive. 

Jamie   
I will cut right to the chase and ask you what you recommend to parents of special needs children to help them "survive". My husband and I are constantly in survival mode, which means just trying to get through the day, and having nothing much left to give to each other. 

Laura Marshak PhD   
I really like this question. I am a very firm believer that every life matters in a family and that it is essential to squeeze out some time so that we take care of ourselves. If we don't do this, there is nothing left for a partner. I know this sounds hard but it is a matter of cutting corners in some places and putting yourself on the priority list. Otherwise, it is just too easy to feel resentful of depleted. (That's only one way).   

Jamie   
Dr. Marshak, one of the things that my husband and I fight about most often is how to discipline our BP son. Should it change based on how stable he is at the time? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Hi Jamie, I do think that there does need to be flexibility based on a child's stability. I am also a big fan of compromise between parents so that they both feel like their perspectives matter. When one parent bosses the other around in these matters, there tends to be less cooperation.   

ChrisaH   
How does a couple handle a child whose disability is such that we can't leave him alone, not even with our older teen son, for more than 20 minutes, so we never get the chance to even go out to the movies or dinner together, let alone a weekend. We have been reduced to spelling each other - he goes away a few days, then I do, sometimes with our other kids, sometimes with friends. And, because of our son's dual dx, we have the real possibility to be like this, well, forever. I worry the stress is driving us to being nothing more than, well, roommates, we'll have nothing to focus on but our special needs son. How can we get our marriage back, while being lifelong caregivers? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
This is a wonderful question. Be patient with me while I share with you a quote a woman sent me that illustrates one way to do this.  

A mother who has been married for more than 25 years and has five children, including one with Down syndrome and one with autism shared this comment about how she keeps romance alive: "My husband and I have a Friday night date night. Cooking is my passion, so I cook us a gourmet meal every Friday. Oftentimes, we each have a child on our lap, but we still sit together with lighted candles and a glass of wine." 
   
Now I recognize that she might be unusual. But, there are many couples that I do know personally that have in-home dates and other creative solutions. I think that devoting some time to intimacy, even under such circumstances is essential. In my psychology practice, I do work with couples whose children cannot be unattended for even a moment. Although tag-team approaches are necessary-there must also be some time to connect.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
Although to the 'normal' world, the scenario you shared might seem odd or pathetic, I can see many positives. The couple is making a conscious effort to focus on their relationship as husband and wife rather than mom and dad, and they are showing the kids that their relationship is still a priority. 

Laura Marshak PhD 
Absolutely. I also like the fact that she has protected her own interest cooking - rather than give 100% of herself to her family.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
I'd like to refer back to an earlier question about different styles of discipline and post a follow up question from one of our members. I think the concern is the difference between being flexible and having different styles versus contradicting each other or sending mixed messages to the child(ren). 

Steve
Would it not confuse the child by changing the discipline? I think we as parents must remain consistent. 

Laura Marshak PhD   
I actually agree with what Nanci just wrote. It is hard to do justice to a question about discipline in this format. I do believe in consistency and agreement between parents. I assumed the concern was about using standard discipline during an acute episode. That's what I was referring to.  

sunwillshine   
If anything, what are some things my husband and I can do before a crisis hits, so that we're better able to work as a team and thrive as a couple when we face a challenge? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
I very much believe that couples need to spend time discussing these matters before a crisis hit; and with bipolar disorder (as well as many other disorders) it is likely to at some point. I just worked this week with a couple who needed to "hash out" an agreed upon plan that they both could commit to and have in place. It often takes more than one conversation to do this.   

Let me also add, that if a marriage is attended to in other ways (i.e., nurturing the couple relationship) there is more goodwill to work as a team on difficult child-related issues.  

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
I wonder if it might be helpful to back up a little and talk about one of the first things that you discuss in your book - the structure of a healthy marriage. Looking at that might set the groundwork for what all of us need to focus on based on where we are at now in our relationships. 

Laura Marshak PhD
I agree that the marital structure is very important. I actually spend a chapter discussing it. Let me make a few key points.   

There are a few structures that are problematic. One is when the only way a couple connects is when it comes to the children. Then, as one of you mentioned, it becomes parent-partners rather than a marriage. So some time needs to be spent in non-child related ways of connecting.   

Another problem is watch out for is a "divide and conquer" structure. This is where each partner is working very hard-either supporting the family or with the children and home. If there is not bridge to connect with each other as two individuals, marriages are often at greater risk.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
The divide and conquer situation is one that we hear about frequently from our members. Any suggestions on how to watch out for the pitfalls, or to circumvent this dynamic? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Yes. One is understanding that although this may be efficient in the short-run, it is risky over time. It works for child rearing but not for sustaining a marriage.  
  
belle77   
Could you give us some ideas of non-child like ways of connecting? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Absolutely. When possible, and I know that it is not always possible, going out together and making a rule that you will not talk about kids is ideal. For many couples, this is hard to do (separate from the logistics) because they have grown so used to only focusing on the children. But, after an awkward start it quickly becomes easier.   

In addition, I think it is important to connect with your partner in conversation about themselves (about topics that don't concern children). In terms of connecting, I want to add that I think sexual intimacy is also very important. I recognize that this is often one of the first areas of a marriage to be impacted by raising kids with disorders. But, I also think it is possible to protect a sexual relationship.   I know that when couples are depleted, it is easy to lose interest. However, marriages that become devoid of some sexual connection face greater risks.   

Nanci   
At the risk of making a generalization, is it safe to say that there are some basic differences between genders when it comes to communication and dealing with emotions? If so, what things should couples know about the Venus/Mars differences so that they can be more empathetic and cooperative? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Nanci, It is an important point and often this generalization holds true. This very much becomes a factor in terms of handling emotions about a child's difficulties. I exhort couples not to pass judgment one ach other for having a different emotional style-this is absolutely to be expected.   

I also want to add that in the past many years, while working with many couples--I have become even more aware of how deeply men feel about their children's disorders (while masking its emotional expression). Wives often are not aware of their deep feelings of sadness as well because they are more hidden.   

belle77   
In your first chapter of the book you had a list of ways that couples can connect with each other when faced with time constraints. Email was one of them. Could you review the others from that list with us? 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Hi Belle, I thought I knew this book by heart but I didn't see it in the first chapter. However, I will do it off the top of my head.  There are many ways to connect that don't take much time. Yes there is e-mail. But, there is also a kiss and hug hello and good-bye. I bet that takes about 60 seconds. There are phone calls that ask about how each other's day is. There are small symbolic gestures. For example, my husband actually always brings me a cup of coffee while I am in the shower (even if we had been out of sorts with each other.) It is a quick way to show a little love and care.    

What these ways have in common is showing that we see our partner as the person we married-not just as a co-parent. 

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
I'd like to finish with a suggestion shared by morah mom on things that she and her husband do to stay connected. 

morah mom   
When we get away we have even made "lists" of favorite places we've been, funny things that we remember, especially for a birthday or anniversary. It's a great way to jump start a conversation and focus on the things that brought you together in the first place. 

Laura Marshak PhD   
That is a lovely idea.   

Nanci The Balanced Mind Foundation 
I would like to thank Dr. Marshak for sharing her time and expertise with us, and for all of you who offered great questions and comments. This is a topic we could discuss for days but this hour has been a great springboard for all of us. 

Laura Marshak PhD   
Thanks for having me. I enjoyed it!