Hi...I am not computer savvy...not sure where this is going...

My BP daughter will be 18 in 40 days. She has been a challenge to say the least since birth..
she was diagnosed at age 13 and we all went through hell with her ...she got into drugs and alcohol and eventually robbed two homes, one my own mother and is now in the criminal system...awaiting the possibility of being on a three year probation with three felonies suspended over her. With the court case in a series of continuations, she has returned to not caring, back out on the streets, doing what she wants, and using drugs insisting "they always expect a dirty piss test first so I'll stop using when I am on probation". I began going to al-anon and have found it hopeful. Here's the thing...I am so disgusted with life and the roller coaster ride and the lack of reward on any level dealing with my daughter...yep, she is brilliant and bright and charismatic and when she shines she shines.... but the rest is a total ridiculous drag. I have reached the point of compassion fatigue...there is nothing I can say or do that can break through to her and chances are she will be going to prison because she cannot folllow anyone else's rules and I doubt she will be able to follow whatever the conditions of probation are. I have cancer, been fighting for my own life and the stress of dealing with my daughter is so damn overwhelming...and I am no longer willing to sacrifice for my daughter.
I cannot with a clear conscience kick her out to suffer the consequences of her continual poor decisions, knowing that she really does not seem to have the ability to make good decisions or connect how her actions effect other people or the ability to think things through. However, I can no longer stand dealing with her...I am spent. The thought of her going to prison is almost unbearable for me, but she doesn't seem to think it is really a possibility, since she is so used to getting her own way and she has a warped reality. The courts don't give a rip about her disorder. I have been physically, mentally
financially and even spiritually bankrupted dealing with her and I feel like I have done my job as a parent raising her to the age of 18..... I am so tired of this...is there anyone out there who has actually kicked out their BP young adult and left them to fend for themselves and found that the super "tough love" thing actually helped them see they need help or anything??? I feel like I am looking for permission from someone else to do this...but I don't think I am helping my daughter by allowing her to live with me and repeating the patterns ...I no longer believe her, as she always thinks she can make changes. I know that if I go down one more time, I am not coming up...and I would like to feel like a productive, responsible adult in this lifetime which has been impossible..even with all the help I have asked for and received.
And trust me, I am a very loving mother....just don't feel like it is worth it anymore....Jana

This is a great commentary in which people with 'just' depression can relate. It was scary to listen as Linea described the worst episodes when she contemplated suicide. Family and friends knowing she had something wrong may have saved her life before she knew she was ill. There comes a place, especially at first, where one is sick but does not realize how sick they are or what to do. Suicide can happen as a result of thoughts like "others will be better off without me". Recognizing that in others, as Linea pointed out, can save lives. There is a peace when one can recognize the signs in others or themselves and get help before that dark depression creeps in.

Thanks for sharing!
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Kathy - Bio: http://www.bpkids.org/user/29357, Arkansas, dandkcraig@hotmail.com
Cody 6, DX: Mood Disorder-nos, Anxiety Disorder, ADHD
Current Meds: Titrating Lamictal, Titrating Thorazine, Trazedone 50 mg, Risperdal Melt-tab (prn), Melatonin 3-6 mg

Co-Mod CABF Very Young w/Amy, Laura
Co-Mod CABF Support 2 w/Vicki, Jim, Melissa
Co-mod CABF Adoption w/Chrisa