Hello everyone!

Please excuse me if this becomes lengthy but I have not had anyone to unload on for sometime now!

I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder at age 14 and was hospitilized from the ages 14 to 17. At the age of 21 my treatment ended and I have been without meds or therapy for the past 20 years. Now my 7 yo son has been diagnosed with BP and ADHD (ODD has also been mentioned) and I have no idea how to help him because I am barely able to help myself.

I have been getting through the last 20 years on sheer luck and stubbroness. With out my DH standing by me even when I know he wanted to leave I am sure I would not be here today.

The first 5 years of no therapy/meds were the absolute worst for me. I was away from my support system, had a new baby and  was alone much of the time because DH had to work alot to take care of us. My DD's early childhood was rough on her because I was so angry and upset all of the time. DH, not haveing an understanding of what was going on with me , had no idea what to do for me. In a way I think the reason we got through those times was because they(DH and DD) learned how to avoid triggering me. Submisson out of fear....

As my DD got older and started going to school I started to "level out" some although I would still cycle between mania and depression and have weeks of daily mood swings due to the BPD. I stated to feel like I had some breathing room and began to get a grip on myself. I started to be able to tell when I was moving from one phase to the next. I knew when I was depressed but could not always realize when I was in the middle of my manic phase. My DH was starting to be able to recognize the shifts as well.

Then I got pregnat with my son and all hell broke loose again during my pregnancy. Angry and upset all the time with no prvocation. One day out of the blue I picked a fight with my husband..... I actuallytried to push him to the point that he would hit me, I needed him to take control becase I was so out of control (does that make any sense?) He didn't do it and I ended up throwing things at him and I left the house for a couple of days. We went to my OB/GYN and told her what was happening and my history. She put me on Prozac for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't know which helped more.. the fact that I was on meds or the fact that I was so happy to be on meds.

Then my son was born..... You know that first cry a baby makes as soon as they are born, kind of a startled cry because their environment has changed? Nothing too serious and they are easily consoled. Well not my son, his cry was angry, he was pissed! I could hear the nurses remarks... "Have you ever heard a cry like that?"  "She's gonna have her hands full with this one." I knew right then and there what we were going to go through. But I put it to the back of my mind and refused to think about it.

He was a demanding infant... as soon as his eyes started to focus and he could see past the end of his nose, if he wanted something that was across the room he would just start crying/screaming untill i picked him up and walked around the room and found what he wanted. He would stop screaming when I got close to what he wanted. It was like a game of hot/cold. I tested it a few times just to be sure.... found what he was fixated on, he stopped crying, moved away from it and he would get angry again.

None of my relatives would babysit for me either. They few times they did I would get a call.... "Come and get him, he is driving me crazy and won't stop trhowing a fit no matter what I do!" I gave up. No more babysitters.

He had constant mood swings as a toddler and it seemed like he was always angry. He was a bitter, hitter and kicker. I did not trust him around other kids his age because I was afraid he would hurt them. Sometimes it seemed like my husband and I were the only ones who loved or even liked him.

All during this I was dealing with a lot of other things..... my husband started driving over the road and was gone for 3-4 weeks at a time, my mother in law (who was living with us) hated me ( and had her own un dx'ed issues as well), my son developed RSV and my DD was getting the short end of the stick.

When my son started Pre-school (Head-Start) I was so excited! I was finially going to get a break! WRONG!!! He punched the teacher in the face on the first day and threw a tantrum that lasted for at least an hour. They didn't want him to stay but I reminded them that they were all about "at risk" kids and my son was definitly an "at risk" kid. His preschool teacher was able to make some progress with him. We were able to discern that his flare ups happened the most when he was told no and during transition times, going from one activity to another. He could not tolerate a lot of noise and the class size was almost too much for him. He had a hard time tolerating the other children as well.

In kindergarten I spoke with his teacher at the begining of the year and explained his history to her. I made sure she was aware of his diffulculties. The first semester I heard nothing from her so I assumed all was well and that he was doing fine. After the Christmas break I found out something entirely different. The first teacher had moved out of state and the new teacher inherited a classroom that was ruled by my son. It seems that so much time and effort was being focused on my son because of his behavior that the rest of the class was behind in their learning. We were told that he could no longer be in a regular class setting. They decided to put him in an LD class and do evaluations to find out what was going on.  The testing showed that he had no LD's and that his IQ was 142. I was told that if it wasn't for his behavior he would qualify for gifted. I was also told that the school he was at was not equipped to handle him and that he would have to go to another school that offed the M.A.E program.

First grade at the new school was totally dedicated to controlling his behavior..... no educating, he just would not co-operate. He was extreamly aggressive toward adults and peers. Prone to violent outbursts....etc.

Now he is in his second year at school. The teachers this year do not communicate with me what I feel they should, but at the same time they complain to me about his behavior. I tell them I need more info on a daily basis so that I can monitor what is happening but they tell me that they are too busy to give me details. I get notes like.... "Ozzy hit another student today" or "Ozzy kicked a teacher" but when I press for details they tell me that they don't have time to write, call or text them and besides that's just normal behavior for Ozzy.  Then when he has an episode at school where he becomes out of control everyone acts all surprised and tells me that I need to help them get him to behave better. WTF!

After his last episode at school (about a month ago) I took him to see a psychitrist who dx'ed him ADHD with ODD. The doc put him on Metadate 20mg. It was wonderful for the first couple of weeks but he is still having bouts of irritability and mood swings, still refuses to do some of his assignments in class and home time is rougher since the meds wear off right about the time he gets home from school. The doc wanted him to have behavior therapy for the ODD but his therapist did not take CHIP so he sent us to another doctor that only accepts medicaid. This new doctor reviewed his history( I guess he got charts from the first doc) spoke with me for about 10 mins then with my son alone for about 10 minutes. When I came back he told me that he belives my son has BP since I do, and combine that with his sleep patterens and aggressivness. He wrote a script for Risperidal 2mg to be taken at bedtime.  Can I trust such a quick dx?

In the meantime I am falling apart and losing what little hold I have on myself. I am heading into a manic phase.... lots of energy and I want to do, do, do. but at the same time I am extreamly anxious , stressed out and depressed. I am doubting my judgement and feel very unsure that I can make the right descions for my son's sake. I have not started him on the Risperidal yet.

Some please help!

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Me: 40; BP/BPD Dx'ed at age 14
No Meds /No Therapy since early 20's

DH: 40; My Rock for 19 yrs!
DD: 17
DS: 7; Dx ADHD (Metadate 20mg); New Dx of BP (Risperidal 2mg)