So... I have bipolar. I was always different, always not quite right. My mom told me from a very young age that I have two personalities because I'm a gemini. She bought over the counter mood stabilizers like St. Johns Wort and tried to pretend I was ok. I wasnt dx bipolar until November of 2008, about a week before I lost my insurance. Thats the last time I've seen a doctor on this issue. I have alot of problems with doctors, but thats not what is bringing me here today. I am 23 years old and the mother to a beautiful and wonderful son named Hunter. Hunter is 5, almost 6. When Hunter started pre-k last year, he was loved by all. He was wonderful in school and, while he had his moments, he was your typical 4 year old boy. He got very sick that December (2009) and missed the last two weeks of school before Christmas break. When he went back after the holidays, he was never the same. We tried to blame it on missing so much from being sick, but it has just never gotten better. Now he is Kindergarten, and 2 months into the school year he has his third write up and is recieving ISS. He is having bad days nearly every single day. No form of punishment or reward his teacher or we can think of seems to help. And nearly every single bad day starts off so simple... he'll be talking and the teacher will tell him to change his card. Changing the card is a relatively mild form of discipline, but Hunter just flips. He becomes a little boy that the teacher cant handle. He throws things, he breaks things, he says mean things. And things get worse from there.

At home is no different for Hunter. The day can be going awesome, and the smallest thing changes it. We can be studying and he'll get and answer wrong (IE, mistake the words Cat and Car) and I gently correct him... he starts crying and saying how stupid he is, how he'll never learn etc. He calls himself a 'bad boy' no matter how much myself, my husband and everyone around him tell him he is good. No matter how many bad things he does, he will always be good.

I just don't know what to do with him... finally, a good friend looked me in the face and said... "you know, I have always said he reminds me of you and how you were." So now, its like... why didn't I think of this? Even if he's not bipolar now, even if by some off chance this is not related to bipolar... I could have given him the disease that haunts me. I am barely what you might could call stable. I am always on the edge and it always feels like I'm half a step away from a break down. How can I deal with him being bipolar? How could I ever forgive myself for being so selfish as to have wanted him when I could have given him this horible disease?

So, in the end, I don't know if he has bipolar, but I fear it. I almost know he does, but then again,. I am bipolar myself... once the idea is in my head, I cant shake it, I can't get rid of this pain and guilt. And mostly, I am so worried for him.