samtabmom,

Well to begin with, you are certainly not a failure.  Parenting a child with BP is incredibly difficult!!  And you've just taken a big step towards getting the supports in place that you need.  The first thing I would suggest is to contact your local NAMI for information on support and area resources.  That is the link for the main NAMI webpage.  Click on "Find your local NAMI" to get info on an office near you.  Do you have a state or county mental health office?  You can contact them to see about getting coverage for yourself.  There may even be some free services available until you can get your insurance straightened out. 

Are you still on your meds?  If not, you know how important it is to keep taking them.  Is your cycling due to stress or due to not having the right meds or no meds at all?  In the long run it will help for your teen to see you taking care of yourself so that he/she can have a good role model for managing BP.  Do you have any supportive family or friends nearby?  Anyone who can help you out with your kids, or just keep you company?

How is your teen doing in general?  School problems?  Med problems?   The teenage years are tough anyway, BP seems to intensify it.

Hang in there.  Things can get better.

--

Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Trilafon, Lamictal, Seroquel, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 15 1/2, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 & H, 11
Married 18 years to DH, 50

FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.

 Thank you so for the info and ideas. I am still on one of my meds. I use to take two but can not afford to pay for both out of pocket. I say it is mostly due to stress. My daughter is failing all but two classes, chorus and P.E. We are in the middle of a med change with her now...which is no fun! She is going down on wellbutrin well going on geodon. The geodon is making her very tired! She says it feels as if her mind is shutting down. She is unstable in every erea of her life right now which is hard on me

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samtabmom

I can definitely empathize with you.  I too am bi-polar. My 16 year old son was diagnosed with it a year and a half ago. When he is in a down phase (which is quite often) I have an incredibly hard time dealing with it. I have no idea if it is simply hard for most parents to raise a mood-disordered child,or if it is harder for me, because I am bipolar. I suspect it is even harder for me.  Please note that I am on meds and am religious about taking them. I am stable most of the time, and have not had a major swing, one way or the other, in a long time.  I guess though, that I joined this group because I am at the end of my wits. I feel like everthing is my fault - I have an incredible amount if guilt.  I've alway felt like a "bad mother" although, if you were outside looking in, I think you would see a loving, dedicated mother.  Anyway, I saw your post, and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. :)

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Lori JOnes

PS - I forgot to mention that my son is also doing poorly in alot of his classes - he has A's in Latin and computer science. The only classes he likes.  He is hanging onto a C in American History class. He is failing Chemistry and has a D in pre-cal. I believe he has a C in English. He speaks English! haha.  He has gone from an honors student to a slacker.  I think it may his way of dealing with all the pressure and anxiety. Like he has let go. Stopped trying because trying made him anxious. But now he's anxious that he won't get into a good college. Oy vay,  It's a viscious circle. 

Also - for a long time I also did not have insurance and was paying about $250 a month for MY medicine alone. I got child support, but my ex lied about his income and was only paying $400 for 2 kids. (I have a younger soon too)  And, psychiatrist visits for my son and for me were hundreds of dollars a month. It was awful.  The financial stress certainly contributed to my mood swings and to be able to raise my kids properly.

I'll stop rambling. Again, I wanted to let you know you are not alone (and vent a little myself) :)

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Lori JOnes

 your really not alone my daughter and I push ea all the time.  i had a breakdown last year was going through a lot at the time and everything combined sent me over the edge went in patient for a few days did a lot of php which did help lost my ins so now i hanging on by a thread most days.  Thank god for my mom I do not know what i would do without her. but I think having my own mood issue along with guilt and shame that this is all my fault it makes it that much harder   

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Kristin 32 NE FL single mom ptsd mdd and aniexty disorder
Hannah 7 ptsd mdd bipolar adhd
meds we are still working on them but
abilify 10mg lithium 900mg (weening off killing thryod) clonidine .35mg

You are surely not alone with this.....I have been stable now since 2007.....However Ive had days or weeks where I wasnt feeling good, or up to do much...and had to still deal with my daughter who was raging most days and not on the right meds up until just this past August. I was barely getting any sleep as my daughter slept at most 2 hours at a time, and up for 2 then back down for 2, which went on for over a good solid month. I began to feel as if I was losing my stability at times. I went to therapy every 2 weeks, always took my meds, and still struggled to take care of my daughter. I lived in IL at the time away from all of our family, I had 2 friends there and had lots of support from the oe friend. she would take my kiddo for a few hours or over night when I needed a break. She knew how to deal with my daughters rages, as she would physically try to hurt who ever was with her. I would cry a lot back then, Especially when she was out of control, and I couldnt calm her down or bring her back to reality....I ve had to call the police on her before, 3 times.....I am not afraid to ask for help anymore!

GOt off track here, my daughter, since 3rd grade was always in an ED classroom, up until she started school this year, 5th grade at a new school. they did not have an ed classroom to offer, at first she did poorly, very disruptive, cried alot and screamed on and off all day long.....they had an aid with her most of the day....NOW she is in a regular ed class all day long and is doing super......she is getting good grades, and making new friends.....the teachers at her IEP meeting said she is now functioning like all the other 5th graders. I am so proud of her.....and happy to report I am also doing wonderful!

HAng in there!!!!

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TIff
Oak creek,wi

I am bi-polar and so is my 11 year old daughter, she has also been diagnosed ADHD, has depression, and is also suffering from Seperation anxiety. 5th graader in a regular ed classroom

Tiff, it's so good to hear that positive outcomes are possible.  I'm happy for you and your dd, and I hope the stability continues.

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Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 15 1/2, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 & H, 11
Married 18 years to DH, 50

FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.

Hi everyone,

Just found this group - I'm a member of Teen 3, don't post too often but enjoy lurking.  Didn't know there was a specific forum for those of us with out own BP or other issues.  You can see my history below.  Older DS doing very well, just graduated from an Ivy League school in December, pretty happy with his life.  He was hospitalized in a severe Mixed Episode in his first year of college and missed the rest of the year.  But he slowly came back to where he is now, so you see there can be good outcomes.  However, the younger, who is a senior in HS, is barely going to graduate and is not applying to college.  He was hospitalized last spring and is currently stable.  All of this was too much for DH, who moved out suddenly 6 months ago (after 35 years together) with very little explanation beyond that I had "ruined" the boys.  At least he is still paying the bills for us, which is no small thing - we can all afford our meds and psychiatrist.  However, having this person I had loved for so long explicitly blame me for my kids' BP has been torture for me.  In addition I have not been too stable in the course of dealing with the sudden separation.  The worst guilt is how I see my 18 year old struggling to figure out what to do when I am crying or ranting about his father after he's insulted me again on the phone (we don't really see each other speak much, mostly email or text).  I also am a tdoc myself, so I know as a professional how damaging it can be for kids to see their parents hate each other or to see a parent overwhelmed by a situation.  That is my main guilt, but I know I can't be superhuman given that I have my own mood disorder to cope with.  I have worked very hard to try to forgive myself for not coping "better" with a tough situation, and it's hard.  I do take my meds and see my therapist, but the other self-care stuff is hard.  I finally decided that I was going to give myself permission to not cope well.  I used to do yoga, for years, and try to eat well and so on.  I'm sure I will again, but it feels better not to right now.  If I want to stay up late playing Sudoku and drinking a beer or two instead of getting enough sleep, I do.  I try to monitor this sort of thing - no beer for breakfast even if I feel I can't face the day.  It's about trying to let go of all that need to be a perfect mom, and a perfect separated mom of a bipolar teen, because that energy can be better spent hanging out with DS, watching funny YouTube videos he finds for me when he sees I'm especially down.  I know from my clients that sometimes people put an extra pressure on themselves (on top of the situation's pressure) to cope in some ideal way.

This got kind of long-winded - what I'm trying to say is we all need to give ourselves a break because that guilt does nothing but destroy us and actually make us worse mothers.

Good luck to all of you out there.

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Sophie, 57, BP2, lithium, Lamictal, Klonopin for sleep
ds, 22, BP, lithium, Lamictal, Mirapex
ds, 18, BP, lithium, Lamictal, Risperdal, Synthroid
dh, 59, separated, vicious temper but no diagnosis

Sophie,

I am so sorry for what has happened with your marriage.  I have to think your dh must have been having some pretty intense issues to take such a drastic step.  Obviously you have been doing something right with your kids, or your oldest wouldn't be so successfully moving into independence now, and your youngest wouldn't be stabilizing.  So I fail to see what you have possibly done to "ruin" your kids.  But you know all that intellectually.  Be kind to yourself.  Go out and do something fun.  Taking care of yourself really shouldn't be work I don't think!  It should feel good, because caring for yourself should make you feel good.  Doing things that bring you some joy will set a great example for your ds18.  If watching funny You-Tube videos makes you feel good, then go for it.  If yoga isn't doing it for you right now, there are other ways to get moving.  Walking is probably the easiest and cheapest. 

Also be sure to talk to your pdoc about your med situation.  It may need some tweaking to get you through this difficult period. 

I'm glad you found our little forum here.  We're a special group ;-)

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Brenda,51, BPII, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17 1/2, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 16, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 1/2 & H, 11 1/2
Married 18 years to DH, 51

FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.