My husband and I came very close to divorcing when our daughter was 11 yrs old because of the stress DDs almost 9 yrs of behavior problems had placed on our marriage. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend. The communication skills we learned along with the ongoing support we received after the weekend helped us save our marrriage.

The past 8 months have been extremely stressful with our daughter being in the hospital 4 times and a RTC for 67 days. My husband and I have had 2 arguements during this time and both times after calming down we were able to use the communication skills we had learned at Retrouvaille to resolve the issue. 

--

Beth in CA
DH - Husband & Father
Dd 16.5 - BP II, NVLD, GAD, Borderline Personality Traits and gifted
Invega Sustenna 39mg monthly, Topamax 25mg AM & PM & Lunesta 2mg PRN
IEP for ED & SLD - 11th grade on Home Hospital awaiting placement in a Theraputic Day School

Oh I think this is more common than not for families on this site.  It is very, very hard to maintain a healthy marriage when you have a chronically ill child, and I truly think that when the chronic illness is mental illness, it's even harder.  Parents of kids with diabetes or cancer may argue with me on this, but this is how it seems to me anyway.

DH and I have not ever discussed divorce, but the thought occurred to me in the past.  It takes so much effort to make time for each other, and my dh never feels like it's quite enough.  Oh well.  I think with 4 kids we would be struggling to find time alone whether or not any of them had issues.

I really think you and your dh need to talk about this, and reaffirm your commitment to making your marriage work for the long haul.   That would be a huge first step.  From what you have written it seems that both of you see divorce as a very possible future outcome.  But I doubt that's what either of you really want.   Finding time together won't be like it was when you were dating, but even if you can give each other 20 minutes every night before you go to sleep, for watching TV together, reading a book together, sex, whatever, it will go a long way towards rebuilding your connection.  I have found that for my dh and me, together time counts the most when there is no talk of kids or their problems.  Just enjoyable time for the two of us.

Best of luck with this, you are certainly not alone.

--

Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 15 1/2, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 & H, 11
Married 18 years to DH, 50

FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.

"Our Marriage Our Depression" in "Darkness".  I felt my husband was making things WORSE by how he was interacting with the younger daughter. *I* wanted to leave.  Taking the 12-week NAMI Family-to-Family course helped him understand, and I attribute that class for helping save our marriage. Another thing that helped is we got counselling together, AND I got a therapist just for me. If we had not both had good-paying jobs with really good insurance, it would not have been possible. Back then, insurance paid for lots of counselling, and we didn't even need "diagnoses" back then.

--Jeanie aka "Naomi"
ItsNotMental-The Book
Older dd: formerly(?) teen-onset bipolar (morphed into ultradian cycling): "Recovered" after over 13 years - stable off psych meds almost two years. Now fine on just diet changes and higher thyroid levels (after healing - addressing gut issues/Candidal overgrowth while using EMPowerPlus and other supplements). She added EMpowerPlus back on just because she feels better on it - gets sick less often.
Younger dd: formerly(?) Childhood-onset schizoaffective, TS, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, migraines. After over 15 years, is now "recovered" for almost 5 years after treating endocrine issues, food sensitivities, gut issues, sleep issues, nutritional/mitochondrial needs.

Well I'm glad I'm not alone in this! I think we're both just extremely physically and emotionally drained. We are constantly dealing with the rage from DD, trying our best to parent 3 y/o DS, and nurture our high-needs 6 month old DS.

We have absolutely no *us* time. DDs rages last for upwards of 17 hrs every second day... Draining is an understatement! In past we've used humor to deal with all of it, but now it seems like she's sucked the life out of both of us. We're in survival mode now.

We used to say that divorce wasn't an option and really lived by that 'mantra' for years. Now, though it's never been stated, I know it's what we're both thinking. I'm not sure it would be helpful if we were to separate.. I think it would be more because we're at a point where we don't know what else to do. We've kind of put our arms up and thrown in the towel.

We've tried to get out alone to kind of rekindle the spark, only to be met with last minute cancellations from sitters or phone calls saying that DD is uncontrollable and we have to come home. Even her bio dad does this to us... He has no idea what to do once she starts.

Our next step is going to a family therapist, again. The first time worked for a couple years and now we're back to square one. I think our only saving grace right now is that he's at work for 10hrs a day. He has time to prepare himself for what's coming when he gets home.

I was just thinking about this tonight.  Not "divorce", but the effects that the strains of raising a child with BP has on the family.

My dh is in the Marine Corps and home for a few weeks leave.  He leaves again on Tuesday, but I haven't hardly seen him at all.  I've been spending most moments, especially in the evenings when our other children are down with trying to calm my dd.  She's in a very depressed/irritable state and is very needy. 

Although my husband is supportive, he doesn't FULLY "get it".  He doesn't realize that he can't talk to her the same way as the other kids...that just his tone can make her think he is mad and have her crying the rest of the night.  There are times I KNOW he thinks I baby her, but when she is scared or sad...she needs me!  I can't enjoy myself at dinner if I am afraid she might go off on one of our other kids or if she is locked up in her room wanting to die.

I'm tired and stressed ALL the time and I know I am short...I just don't know what to do!

I honestly feel like right now, my whole world evolves around BP and taking care of her and learning everything I can to help her. 

Someone mentioned something about kids who have other chronic illnesses.  Well, my dd has had open heart surgery 3X and has a VERY serious heart defect.  We never knew it would be the least of our worries!  I have said it time and time again...this would be so much easier if it were her heart.  Number one, they can look at it and know what to fix.  Number two, EVERYONE is more sympathetic to the child and family and wants to help out when it is an illness like that.  Most people don't have ANY CLUE the stress that raising a child with BP puts on the entire family.

I just hope my other kids don't grow up to hate me.  I spend so much time with my dd and they just don't understand it.  Hopefully one day they will. 

--

L Anxiety, Lexapro
Mom to:
T (16) Mood disorder (Depression, Anxiety, OCD, BP, SA, ADD?), Risperdal 1mg morning/night, Zoloft 150 mg., Abilify 5mg., Trazadone 100 mg.
Also has hypoplastic left heart syndrome (open heart surgery 3X), Lisinopril, Aspirin
10th grade-currently going to school online at home.
J (13)
J and C (10)

I was just thinking about when I wanted to just get away... I have read stories of couples with several children, one of which is a danger to the others and is very very stressful, and the couple does not divorce but they actually get two different living places-like get an additional apartment close by. Then, they take turns with the ill child in the apartment. That helps keep the stress level of the entire family unit down. If we think "can't afford a separate apartment" - think about this--if we divorce, that's EXACTLY what we would be having to afford! In fact it may be even MORE financially devastating because if you currently own a house together that may have to be sold as well.

In any case, what I actually fantasized about during that time of distress in my marriage was something like that... except I wanted to live alone with my dog and cat in the apartment and just come over to the house part-time to be with family. I was NOT thinking straight... but I felt so desperate to just stop the Hell.

--Jeanie aka "Naomi"
ItsNotMental-Topics
Older dd: formerly(?) teen-onset bipolar (morphed into ultradian cycling): "Recovered" after over 13 years - stable off psych meds almost two years. Now fine on just diet changes and higher thyroid levels (after healing - addressing gut issues/Candidal overgrowth while using EMPowerPlus and other supplements). She added EMpowerPlus back on just because she feels better on it - gets sick less often.
Younger dd: formerly(?) Childhood-onset schizoaffective, TS, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, migraines. After over 15 years, is now "recovered" for almost 5 years after treating endocrine issues, food sensitivities, gut issues, sleep issues, nutritional/mitochondrial needs.

Several years ago my dh seriously talked about renting an apt. for him and ds17 to live in.  He felt it would make life easier for ds by being away from the siblings.  It probably would have, but I just wasn't willing to let ds not live with me at the time.  DH was none too patient, and he worked a lot.  DH definitely didn't want divorce, just a better living situation for everyone.

--

Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 15 1/2, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 & H, 11
Married 18 years to DH, 50

FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.

 Mashedbananas,

Not uncommon at all.  You are definitely not the only one:  it so affects the family.  My husband and I had our worst argument/fight a few weeks ago.  I honestly thought we were parting ways.  I thought the issue was between him and me, and I'm sure some of it is, but when drilling down--I had no idea how frustrated and beaten down he felt by my daughter's illness, and how unsatisfied he is with her current level of stability and her treatment time.  He is just exhausted!

I am sure things are not completely "fixed" but it has spurred us in the last few weeks to get on the same page and become more assertive in terms of what we expect from her care and in seeking an outside consult.

It takes its stress in so many ways.  Busy parents who in this day and age might already have trouble getting to housework, but now coping with a BP child cannot possibly find the time to get to it as often as necessary, etc...Everything is just so affected.  "Beaten down" is how it feels.

I don't know if others find this to be true, but I know in my husband's case he does not have the same outlets that I do.  This is not something he confides a whole lot in with friends, as a "man" I doubt he would seek a therapist for himself, etc.  I found him getting more and more angry, and I know men sometimes express their depression as anger.  I am depressed at the situation but sometimes I feel that because I can open up to friends, etc., that my coping skills allow me to bounce back more than his does.

I understand what Mama says when she said her husband doesn't fully get it.  I think my husband does at this point, but I think it took him much longer to understand the sheer depths of what we were dealing with, and that something was really wrong.  I think he was in denial, which I would imagine is common for at least one partner to do.  We also have different styles of dealing with DD, and although we are much more on the same page now we sometimes really rub each other the wrong way.

I did see the documentary on Discovery Health "January's Story" about a girl who was born schizophrenic.  Her psychosis is such that her parents feel they have to live in separate houses to insure the safety of their other child...interesting arrangement.  I could see if the parents rotated who lived where, it might provide some respite!

Best of luck and you are definitely, absolutely, not the only couple experiencing this!

--

Jennie (37) depression treated effectively with lexapro
Husband (58)
daughter Alison (14)
Bipolar I with episodes of psychosis; Oppositional Defiant Disorder
lithium, depakote, zyprexa, zoloft

--

Mary Brocco

It sounds like you are hearing the same thing form all of us...... This is normal!

I could write too much on this,but I will try to keep it short. My dh and I had the roughest year in 2011. We were at the point of wanting a divorce. It was actually me that wanted out because He was like coming home everyday almost as if non existant to everything. Now,we do for the most part are on the same page as far as we handle my dd but he does not get emotional and sometimes does not get the whole aspect of her illness. I was dx with BP1 at 14 yrs old. Long Long road to recovery. I had been off meds ( dumb ) for years and really did ok but the beginning of last year I had a melt down form all of the stress from our dd and how unstable she was. So I am very stable now due to meds... ( will never go off again ). But what i am trying to get at is that I feel very strong for Ari and how she feels and sometimes he does not understand as well.

We had done marriage counseling but he is not the type to be helped by that. THen I did the best thing I could for the whole family..... I started to go to a therapist a few months ago. I had to get out tons of things and truly I am a much more happier person and can handle what my marriage is dishing out to me. My dh is doing better,too. Not at any means perfect or close. But we have tried to take a date night when we can. But i will say that sometimes on the date night it is hard to shake the feeling s of frustration for the both of us. But it has gotten better the more we spend just a few minutes with out our children.My therapist said that we (parents) need to have respite because taking care of children with hidden disabilities can completely eat away at us.

I am hoping that things will gp better for you and your husband and just the whole family dynamic. Please hang in there!

--

Angelique
Co-mod Very Young 3/ w/ Janice, Mmsun, and Erica

(Me) Angelique 33- BP,Anxiety..Lamictal, Klonopin
(DH) Craig 40- Nothing???
(DD) Ariana 6yr old- BP,Tic Syndrome,Gad,Sensory processing Disorder, Adhd, and Ocd. Medicines: Lamotrigine, Serequel, Kapvay, Melatonin, and Thorazine ( as needed ). Hoping this is the right med mix for now???
(DS) Christopher 4yr old- No problems yet????

Like I said before, I'm glad we're not the only ones facing this. Thank you so much for the support.. It was exactally what i needed.

I was talking to DH about this last night and we were both astonished at how mental illness drives spouses apart but physical illness brings them closer together.

I have a family member that is currently facing a chronic physical illness with her child; her and her DH have the best relationship and a huge support system. Which, don't get me wrong, is great and much needed. We, however, have zero supports and are faced with people that criticize our parenting rather than try to understand. 

I would never wish a physical illness on one of my children, however I'm envious of the parents in this situation. Communities, medical professionals, friends and families all come together to support them. Us as parents of children with chronic mental illnesses are ostracized and ridiculed by all of the above.. Leaving a huge strain on us and our personal relationships not to mention our own physical and mental well being.

It really burns me thinking about this. I don't deny that parents of a child with cancer need a whole lot of support.. They do. But on the other hand, do we as parents of a child with BP not deserve the same treatment and support? 

Ya, that was a bit of an unintended rant. Sorry.

--

-- D aka. Mashedbananas - no history of mental health issues in immediate or extended family. Living minute by minute.

DH - a very patient stepdad. Just trying to deal with whats been handed to him
DD 11- diagnosed BP with comorbid Conduct Disorder. Waiting for meds. 6 month waiting lists are the norm here. History of mental illness on bio dads side.
DS 3 - hides in closets during rages, showing signs of anxiety.
DS 6 months - just your average run-of-the-mill baby.. Eat, sleep, poop, cry, repeat.

 After reading all these, I sigh.. Its so much like that at my house. My husband has threaten to leave with our daughter as its not safe for her. At 6 am this morning she  woke up & took her for a drive as P was being too much. She sits & cries when he rages. He screams at her constantly saying she's acting like a baby, yeah she is a baby.  Its not fair to her, to be raised like this. She loves him so much.

DH & I's relationship consists of chats of "why are you pandering to him, you never spend any time with your daughter & this has to get under control." as if I'm not doing anything I can to make it that way. I cant leave him & P alone for more than an hour tops as they are at each others throats-he still doesnt get why he cant be raised like a normal child. (no he wont do counseling-thinks its all BS as it hasnt worked at all for P yet..)

There has to be a rainbow somewhere, I know we all have had way too much rain lately to be left without one.

-Sue

Mother of P- 11 yr old son bipolar mixed & ADHD, lamictal 50 mg, stattera 18 mg(trying again)
Have tried stattera, adderall xr, concentra, clonidine, intuniv, risperdal, trilepta, vyvanse, lithiuml..sure I missed a few.
1 year old full of energy daughter
expecting child # 3 in July
married to supporting husband but getting sick of it....
Oregon

It's not that easy having a child with a chronic medical illness.  The stress of that gets to you just the same...trust me.  However, it's just more ACCEPTED by people. 

Either way...it's tough.  :(

--

L Anxiety, Lexapro
Mom to:
T (16) Mood disorder (Depression, Anxiety, OCD, BP, SA, ADD?), Risperdal 1mg morning/night, Zoloft 150 mg., Abilify 5mg., Trazadone 100 mg.
Also has hypoplastic left heart syndrome (open heart surgery 3X), Lisinopril, Aspirin
10th grade-currently going to school online at home.
J (13)
J and C (10)

Sorry, I was in no way saying that it was easy. I'm watching the struggles that my family is having with a physical illness. It's tough.. Really tough.

I was just saying that they get a lot more help than we do as children with mental illness. With a physical illness you can see the symptoms and its more easily diagnosed. Mental illness is silent in most cases; it's hidden and swept under the rug. Parents of children with mental illness (in my experience) are blamed for their child's behaviour and in a lot of cases have children's services called on them. 

Not once has my family member had children's services called because her child is sick. I, on the other hand, have had multiple phone calls and home visits due to DD hurting the boys, hurting herself, saying that we beat her, etc. We have had SWAT at our house because DD ran away and said that we kidnapped her (people laugh when we tell them this... I die a little inside every time someone chuckles). This is our life and all of it has put a serious strain on our marriage and it seems that when we as a couple take one step forward, there are 10 people trying to beat us back to the beginning.

Trust me, I have nothing but respect for parents of children with a chronic physical illness. I have worked in the hospital with children that have cancer and was a huge eye opener for me.

--

-- D aka. Mashedbananas - no history of mental health issues in immediate or extended family. Living minute by minute.

DH - a very patient stepdad. Just trying to deal with whats been handed to him
DD 11- diagnosed BP with comorbid Conduct Disorder. Waiting for meds. 6 month waiting lists are the norm here. History of mental illness on bio dads side.
DS 3 - hides in closets during rages, showing signs of anxiety.
DS 6 months - just your average run-of-the-mill baby.. Eat, sleep, poop, cry, repeat.

I didn't think you did!!  I just think it's hard either way.

You are right...I definitely get more support and concern over my dd's heart.  That's the LEAST of our worries!!  And even family blows off her mental illness saying "that's just teenagers" or "she's just spoiled" etc. 

Sorry, didn't mean to come off b*tchy.  I'm tired...mentally and physically.  See...having a BP child even causes me to be snippy with my fellow forum friends!  Imagine what it does for my family. 

--

L Anxiety, Lexapro
Mom to:
T (16) Mood disorder (Depression, Anxiety, OCD, BP, SA, ADD?), Risperdal 1mg morning/night, Zoloft 150 mg., Abilify 5mg., Trazadone 100 mg.
Also has hypoplastic left heart syndrome (open heart surgery 3X), Lisinopril, Aspirin
10th grade-currently going to school online at home.
J (13)
J and C (10)

Lol I  thought I was the one coming across as b*tchy. I just wanted to clarify so no one thought I was. 

Tough day today.. Been dealing with objects getting thrown at me since 6:30am. Good news though, with everything being thrown her rooms clean now! Haha (silver lining)

--

-- D aka. Mashedbananas - no history of mental health issues in immediate or extended family. Living minute by minute.

DH - a very patient stepdad. Just trying to deal with whats been handed to him
DD 11- diagnosed BP with comorbid Conduct Disorder. Waiting for meds. 6 month waiting lists are the norm here. History of mental illness on bio dads side.
DS 3 - hides in closets during rages, showing signs of anxiety.
DS 6 months - just your average run-of-the-mill baby.. Eat, sleep, poop, cry, repeat.

My husband & I argue about my daughter as well.  I understand what you are saying about a physical illness being easier, in that for us I think we would argue less about the best treatment or the fact that she even actually has an illness.  Because there is no definitive test, my husband will get frustrated and question her diagnoses and my way of handling her.  Of course, he won't spend one moment reading this forum or really any info at all, he simply relies on his gut feelings on the action that should be taken.  Yep, frustration here too.

I, too, can relate to this. At the time my son began showing psychotic symptoms and uncontrollable ODD, I was living with a boyfriend of 5 years. He couldn't seem to understand my son, to have any patience, and began complaining *loudly* that he does it for attention. As any parent here knows, discipline for children with psychosis and ODD, and GAD.. is nonexistent. We tried everything from token economies to privledge charts and time outs. Time out is what I still use, because it is all I have, but it does not work. For a child who cannot control his emotions and has NO empathy, it is impossible.

Our relationship continued to deteriorate, despite having an inhome worker try to teach "us" how to deal with my son. He punished my son behind my back in ways I clearly vetoed (like taking away his television- at that time the only thing to calm him in that room). It became that I was arguing with my son, and then arguing with my spouse ABOUT my son. I couldn't do it anymore.

One evening we stood in the kitchen like two gunslingers - and he said "How much more are you going to take?" I looked him in the eyes and said "Until there is no more. THat is the depth of a mother's love". Shortly after that we parted ways.

It's unfortunate - but it happens. I think what needs to be remembered is that you two are all you've got against the world. Somewhere there is an unspoken bond. I hope that you can reclaim it.