Excuses
My dd has been using bipolar as an excuse for almost everything. Last night she went into the you dont love me or care about me, all you care about are the boys (her brothers) She tells us repeatedly that we arent helping her. She has a mentor that comes to the house twice a week, she also has a tdoc, and an inhome therapy team that comes out once a week. All of these people work in the same building with each other so they are able to talk about her case... They have for the past year or longer been working on coping skills and ways to diffuse the situation. Dd has posters all over her walls of coping skill and ways to deescalate. Dd knows every single one of them but refuses to use them. She says she cant cuz she has bipolar. We have all tried explaining to her that we can only help her so much and that she has to be willing to help herself. Her response I cant, I have bipolar. She wants someone to do the coping skills for her. Like take deep breaths for her. We have tried explaining that they are not going to help her if she is not doing them and that it is impossible for us to take deep breaths for her. We are totally willing to do them with her as well as all her other coping skills, she just refuses. Her mentor has said that she is the easiest and hardest of her clients... She knows everything that will help to calm her down she just refuses to use any of it.... Constantly saying they wont work for her and that she cant..... cuz she has bipolar. How is she ever supposed to live a life when all she does is constantly use the bp as an excuse....
On another note, our in home therapy team wants to come up with a behavior/chore chart for the kids...... Been there done that, didnt work. Makes dd more angry because we are telling her what to do... She doesnt care about rewards or anything like that. I have tried explaining this to them but they say just try it..... I HAVE!!!!!!! Dd has 1 responsibility and that is to keep her room clean,and she barely does that..... we even pay her!!! She does not care!!!! Any advice???? They also say we should have them earn tv time and computer time, dh and I dont agree. We dont think they should earn it because on the computer they are constantly doing things related to school. There are a bunch of websites the schools have given us that the kids can go on and learn even more, why am I going to make them earn that????? If they dont behave they lose it but I will not make them earn learning time. As far as tv goes, they watch in the morning before school, a little while after homework, and after dinner.Its not like they sit in front of the tv all day long.They are kids and I believe they should be able to watch tv and play on the computer. I belive that giving dd consequences and making her do chores and behavior charts is counterproductive. I will take any advise good or bad. Please dont worry about hurting my feelings! Thanks!!
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Abilify 15mg split a.m/p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m
Hello,
When you say that she barely keeps her room clean, I would see that as we need to be more specific.
"keep her room clean" may be too generic for her.
I think that be more specific about what it means "keep your room clean" would be much more productive : the more specific you are, the better.
So, if you say as : "put your laundry in the basket", "put your papers in the cupboard" instead of "keep your room clean", you will certainely see less reluctance in making her chores.
Helping can be as simple as being more specific in your requests. If you are too generic, you don't help her.
Also, is she stable with what she is taking now ? Is she well mood stabilized ?
If she is not stable at the moment, no wonder she barely keeps her room clean.
You can make a list of all the meaning of "keep your room clean", in order to be more specific.
The list has to be very specific, like "make your bed every morning before eating breakfast", "after putting the pajamas, put the dirty laundry in the basket whereas clean clothes go in your cupboard", "hoover once a week"....
When she is stable, she does everything, if not stable, let her choose two or three items and stick to them, whereas you help for the others or you let them for a better period. She can choose the items she has to keep when unstable, and stick with her.
You are not perfect, she is not perfect, and no one are created to be perfect.
About consequences for her acts, I will be more cautious about it.
Let make her face the consequences of her acts, like if she doesn't put her laundry in the basket, she won't have nothing clean for school and she will necessarily have to face it.
If she breaks the vase, she has to repair it or to buy a new one.
I don't think that earning TV or computer will make her better facing the consequences of her acts.
The best solution is facing the logical consequences of her acts, like if there is no clean plate, she won't be able to eat in a plate.
It will avoid building complains on the complains : she won't be edible to complain because it was your fault if plates are not clean, because it was her turn and she didn't do it.
Believe me, she will learn much more when she faces the logical consequences than when you punish her. If you want to punish her, punish her act, and make her do something connected with the offence. If she goes back too late, then, she won't be able to go and see her friends the next week end.
If she steals money, she has to pay it back.
If she doesn't take her meds, she will end at hospital because she will be too sick.
She is too old to be deprived of TV or computer : this is a consequence you can use when she was very young, like 6 or 7, now at 11, she is getting too old for it. You can limit the screens, but using it as a punishment will be counterproductive at her age.
For rewards, you can use anything else than TV or computer : going to the movie with her, or a trip to the hairdresser....
Something that she doesn't have often, and that she has to earn.
Once again, be firm but flexible.
Also, be realistic in your expectations : don't ask her to clean her room perfectly if she is unstable and already barely manages at school.
And it may be time to set your priorities again, because your daughter evolves : what was possible at 6 is not any more, she has needs that she didn't have at 6, and some are not any more needed now she is 11.
In the meantime, did you find something fun to do with her ? It goes OT I know, but I think that you need to have some fun times with her.
It goes a bit OT, but explain her again and again that if she feels unwell, she can ask to go to see her pdoc, or to go to hospital. That hospital is not a punishment, and if she needs it, it doesn't mean she is bad.
Take care
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
The list is as specific as you can get. Make bed, put clean clothes in dresser, make sure desk top is neat, pick up any toys off the floor.... She is not stable because we are in the middle of a med change because of SE of Abilify. When I say that she is 11, I only mean that in the fact that she has been alive for 11 yrs. She in no way acts like an 11 yr old... More like a 7 yr old, so what would work for most 11 yr olds would not work for her. I do plenty of fun things with her. She just had 4 friends sleepover for a hair and nails party. Then we spent the day at the mall. She does gymnastics, cheerleading, has therapy 3 times a week plus mentoring. Oh, she also spends 6 hrs a day at school and stays after for extra help.... She is by no means lacking in the attention department. If anyone is, it is my 2 boys. My weekends are mainly spent doing something with her because she has to be constantly busy. I "fit" my other children into her schedule. While I appreciate your response I dont think it would help my situation, but thank you.
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Abilify 10mg a.m, Seroquel 100mg p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m
Hello,
So, as Karen said, you have a very good part of the answer : she is not stable at the moment.
If she is in a middle of a med change, I tend to think that she can't use the coping skills she has learnt. It's not "she doesn't want", she really can't, exactly like a person suffering from ventricular tachycardia can't do sport. Would you punish someone who can't do sport because of her ventricular tachycardia, or someone who had a seizure because of epilepsy ?
It's not manipulation, it's really, her moods are not stable yet.
If she is not stable yet because of a med change, you can guess that punishing her for chores she is not able to complete in her whole would be completely counterproductive.
Did you try to make her choose two or three items in the list and stick with it, and let the rest for later or help her for the rest ?
It may be much more productive.
She doesn't mean that she completely skips the task, but since she is not stable because of the med change, she needs to have a reduced amount of the task.
Focus on quality, not quantity. She can do less about cleaning her room, but she has to participate somehow. But she has to do it in quality.
I assure you that reducing the "keep her room clean" won't kill you and won't kill her. Then, when she is stable, you can go back to the exigence of keeping her entire room clean.
To go beyond what I said, even if OT, you can have a set of rules for stability and another for unstability.
Because you can't ask the same things when she is unstable than when she is stable.
You know better than me that things she can do when she is stable will be unrealistic when she is unstable.
And I will also tend to agree to Karen about the fact that your daughter doesn't think about attention. But she needs help for using the copying skills she can't use right now because of instability.
I cross my fingers for you and for your daughter
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
Even though she is developmentally behind, it does sound to me like she is mature enough to have learned the art of manipulation. I assume her therapists know she is using BP as an excuse? So I guess the question is this--is she so unstable from her BP that she truly is unable to use any coping mechanisms or behave appropriately, or is she just afraid she will be giving up special attention if she "gets better". Why do they think chore charts will help with this I wonder? I do agree with Giula on using logical consequences, and those will have to be specific to your dd. Not having clean clothes for school is always a good one.
--
Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17 1/2, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 16, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 1/2 & H, 11 1/2
Married 18 years to DH, 51
FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.
Brenda,
Sorry for the question, but don't you think that if she is in a middle of a med change, so unstable, she will be more manipulative than when stable ?
And when she is stable, she will stop manipulating, or what we see as manipulation ?
Just a question and my two cents.
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
If she is stable, then she may be being manipulative. If she is unstable, then she needs to be handled accordingly. I believe I put forth both possibilities in my post. Even when she becomes completely stable, it is entirely possible that she will have maladaptive behaviors which have been learned over the years of being unstable. Fortunately, once stability has been achieved through medications and/or CAM behaviors can be relearned.
--
Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17 1/2, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 16, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 1/2 & H, 11 1/2
Married 18 years to DH, 51
FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.
You have described my dd to a T. Every bit. Even the stupid chore charts and lists of what clean your room means :) But this one got me most: She tells us repeatedly that we arent helping her. My dd used to say that ALL the time. Its only in retrospect that I have realized that what she means is that what we are doing is not helping. The coping skill don't make the need for them stop. The meds only kind of make things better. It used to frustrate me to no end that we were jumping through hoops to help her and she would say that. Now I am coming to realize that what it really means is that there is way more going on than we understand. My guess is that your dd really is not stable. That she is still very symptomatic. More so than you recognize and she is telling you. Only within the past month can my dd talk about anything she feels. And it has been a long upward climb to get there. With a lot of back sliding. I'm sorry I have no real advice. But I can tell you how happy (elated really) I was when I realized about 2 years ago that my dd wasn't emotionally 4 any more. Now she shifts between about 9 and 19. And for about the past week (and for the first time ever) she has been 13 in both years and emotions - at least more than half of the time.
--
Karenj
Self: as sane as I can be everyday
A - DD (17yo) well adjusted, high functioning, motivated, successful, waiting patiently to go away to college
M - DD (13yo) Bipolar I (dx 4/2011) ADHD (dx 2nd grade), dumb high IQ, mainstream education with IEP/BIP, Seroquel XR 550mg, Lamictal 150mg, 3000 mg fish oil, 1000mg B-12, B-Compex - morning
BF - Live in boyfriend of 5 years, supportive and learning more every day
EX - Ex-husband, divorced since 2002, family history of bipolar, unpredictable and sometimes explosive
Brenda-
She is very manipulative.. Stable or not she can manipulate anyone. I dont exactly know why they think a behavior chart will help unless they just think that I am not strict enough. Funny thing is is that if a behavior chart worked she wouldnt need meds, right??? I also have 2 boys and they dont act anything like dd. I am going to tell them that we are not going to do any charts especially in the middle of a med change. As far as the logical consequences, she knows that if her clothes are not in the dirty laundry she will not have clean clothes... She learned that the hard way. She also knows if she doesnt brush her teeth she will get cavaties. The logical ones are the easy part. Not that she just runs to the bathroom when we tell her to shower, she still fights and always has but she does it, and it rarely ends with a rage.
Karenj-
Your post really got me thinking. I now believe that the coping skills arent helping. She has used them in the past but those were times when she was more stable than she is. Now I understand why she says her mentor cant help, her therapist cant help, and we cant help. Dd can not explain what is going on in her head other than shes angry and then really sad. She just started to be able to recognize her anxiety and that took years. My daughter is floating between 7 and 17. She can be such a baby sometimes then act like shes ready to go out get a job and take care of herself. So, if I cant recognize whats going on and she cant tell me how am I ever supposed to get her the help she needs? I feel horrible that for so long I have been telling her that the coping skills work she just has to use them. No wonder she would get even more mad at me. She says she needs to go somewhere to get help but last time she was in a facility she didnt show any of her "bp" behaviors. She even told staff that she wont because she isnt comfortable there... So they sent her home. I am at such a loss right now and feel terrible.
Thanks for your help, ladies.
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Abilify 10mg a.m, Seroquel 100mg p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m
Tcali,
I just hit an idea when you said that your daughter can't explain what happens in her head.
As she can't use name to explain what hapens to you, maybe it's time to use a simpler method, like smileys.
I honestly think that if words are too abstract, it can help using more concrete ways, like smileys.
For me, the biggest advantage is that they are concrete, and it can be an excellent start to help her naming her emotions.
Why not lettig her choose the set of smileys she likes most, and then, you narrow the choice to 4 or 5 smileys to start : one for a hyper happy, one for a hyper sad, another for OK, one for a mix of depressed and manic and another one for tired ?
Then, when she feels like she will explode, why not letting her tell you how she feels with smileys, as words are too abstract for her ?
It will be always time to add more smileys if needing.
But simplifying the way on how she tells you what happens in her brain will probably soothe the process.
As she uses Internet for school, it can be a great support to learn how to name her emotions.
The biggest advantage of smileys is that it helps to associate emotions and words.
She can go back to words whenever she wants, using smileys doesn't preclude the use of words : a bit like PECS for children who can't speak.
The only drawback is that smileys have to be simple to understand for both of you : if the smileys are very graphic, beautiful, but not meaningful for you, it would be useless.
Smileys have to be simple enough to be understandable for both of you.
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
So, if I cant recognize whats going on and she cant tell me how am I ever supposed to get her the help she needs? I feel horrible that for so long I have been telling her that the coping skills work she just has to use them. No wonder she would get even more mad at me.
I feel the same way. Not guilty but just sad that all that I kept doing thinking I was helping really made things worse becuase it all added to the confusion of what she "had" to do. When really her brain was in such disarray adding more skills and requirements made it all so much harder for her. I agree - no wonder she kept getting more mad. What has really helped recently was her therapist. She and I go once a week together (most weeks). Her therapist breaks thing into little chunks. I mean tiny. So for the past 2 months we have been working at home on controlling our outbursts and listening to each other. Thats it. Not and also keeping her room clean, and going to bed on time, and eating with the family and not harassing the dog. Just controlling our outbursts and listening to each other. And for school she is working on getting to school and staying in class. Not and homework and participating and staying focused. Just getting there and staying there. This is something dd can work on. Very clear. Very measurable. And only when they are mastered can will we move on to something else. For what it's worth, she is more stable than she has been in a year. And she has stayed out of the phosp longer than she has since July. And I feel like a am parenting a 13 year old again. One who listens and tests but can learn. Its all very novel to me.
Also, I was thinking about the similarities last night, especially the dirty room. My dd's room gets more messy as she becomes unstable. And cleaner as she gets more stable. Right now its a bit messy. But a very controlled mess. And if it gets worse she gets anxious and needs to clean it right away. Its actually one of the tells I use to gauge her stability. I too had tried the list thing: make the bed, dust the dresser, put the clothes away. As you know it doesn't work. But what I did find that worked was: put away the red things, now pick up all the pencils, find all of the hair bands. For some reason it matches her thought process better and she can follow it.
As for chores around the house, all she does is laundry. And we go to the laundromat. But this works for me since she does everyone's laundry and so contributes to the household. Plus I give her $20 a week to cover the costs. Which is about $8.00 more than it costs on average. But since she wants to optimize her cash, she is extremely good at making the right sized loads and holding things to the next week and what not. Its a HUGE planning ahead skill for her. And for who knows why she likes it.
About the manipulation, my dd is same same. Its trying at best. I read somewhere that its a convoluted attempt to control her world. Again because there is so much internal chaos. Its all logical in her parallel universe. I'll see if I can dig up the article and post it later or tomorrow. It helped me to look past a lot of it. And again I have noticed that as she becomes more stable there is less manipulation. Its not gone. But its not as overbearing to the rest of us.
--
Karenj
Self: as sane as I can be everyday
A - DD (17yo) well adjusted, high functioning, motivated, successful, waiting patiently to go away to college
M - DD (13yo) Bipolar I (dx 4/2011) ADHD (dx 2nd grade), dumb high IQ, mainstream education with IEP/BIP, Seroquel XR 550mg, Lamictal 150mg, 3000 mg fish oil, 1000mg B-12, B-Compex - morning
BF - Live in boyfriend of 5 years, supportive and learning more every day
EX - Ex-husband, divorced since 2002, family history of bipolar, unpredictable and sometimes explosive
I have found it helpfully to get away from worrying about manipulation right now. I think that it is just one more mal adaptive coping skill (their way of saying that they can't do what is being asked of them.) I understand the concern about learned helplessness, but I feel that as long as we shift into higher expectations when he is more stable and reward more mature, responsible behavior at that point, we will deal with it. I really don't think kids wan't act function at such an immature level if they can help it.
--
Chris Stanley- DS 11, ADHD ( ?) ODD, Bipolar NOS
currently taking Lithium, Risperidone, Trileptal (weaning off), Melatonin
Karenj- I am so happy for you and your daughter, that you were able to find stability. I am really liking the way you have her clean her room. Sounds like that would also work for my dd. Her room is always messy but she is more willing to clean it when she is stable. This morning she got mad at me for reminding her to make her bed. She is not in a good place right now and I fear that we will continue to go downhill. Our in home team came last night and we sat down and made a list of rewards and consequences for a behavior/chore chart to use when she is more stable. I know it wont work but I am willing to do it mainly to prove that it won't work. I will not however allow it to get her to upset or frustrated. In home seems to think it will work with time so I will let them think that.
My husband is kinda getting on my nerves, for some reason he thinks she is manipulating us, and he doesnt think its fair to our boys that she gets a "break" on chores. I then brought up the fact that its not fair to her for us to think she can do all that the boys do. Isnt that just setting her up for failure? He keeps saying when he was younger he had a bunch of reponsibilities and never got an allowance. Not only are times different but the situation is also different. I honestly believe that she is not capable of doing what the "normal" kid would be expected to do and he believes otherwise. So frustrating!!!!! I wish I could get him on the same page as me but it doesnt seem to be working. He understand she has bipolar but somehow thinks she can do everything any other 11 yr old can do. He is not willing to educate himself on the disease and just expects me to read everything then "report" my findings to him. Again, so frustrating. I have even left books in the bathroom for him to read, he is just very unwilling. Anyways, back to the manipulation. I never thought about it as being a way for her to have some control. Makes complete sense. I dont really pay to much attention to it because right now it is not that important. I need to get her stable and hopefully with that the manipulation will also ease up. It breaks my heart that she has to deal with this, I lay awake at night just wondering what is going on in her head and how, at 11 is she dealing with it? Right now she is not really "dealing" with it but I cant imagine going through what she is going through. It's not fair that she cant just live life like an 11 yr old girl. She has very little friends. Kids in school have started making fun of her because she now has this thing she does with her neck from the Abilify. Its almost like tourettes. She comes home so sad which then turns into anger then she is screaming at me when all I wanna do is grab her hug her and never let go. I am now typing with tears running down my face, I just dont know what to do. I want so bad to be able to make this all go away. Dh says I am dwelling on it but how can I not? I spend most of my day reading, researching and looking for ways to make her life easier, better... Isnt that my job as her mother? I wouldnt call it dwelling I would cal it fighting for her life...... Sorry, I just rambled on and on. I think today is going to be a tear filled day.....
Thank you so much for giving me a better understanding of what may be going on in her head. I truely appreciate it. I hope that your daughter continues to stay stable and continues to improve. I will continue to hope the same for my daughter.
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Abilify 10mg a.m, Seroquel 100mg p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m
Teresa,
About your husband, as we say in France : "Content yourself to do well and let bray", which can be translated in English as "do well and let say what it will" (in French : "Bien faire, et laisser braire")
He reproaches your way to handle your daughter, but his methods are by no means better than yours. So don't dwell about him, and content yourself to do what you have while ignoring him.
The day your DD has a problem because of her illness and he doesn't do anything, you can be absolutely sure that he will only feel ashamed, but he won't have any possibility to be mad against you : he was having the responsibility while you were absent, so he is the only one who can be hold responsible for the outcome of not managing your DD.
Your husband is not happy with what you do ? So let him spend 1 month with your daughter, and in the meantime, you go to live elsewhere (a good good holiday you really need). In the meantime, he has to manage everything, from homework to daily chores, medical appointments etc etc....
After this month, you ask him how it was.
He criticizes but he doesn't do ? Let him do, and be sure that he will have to understand, because he will have the hands right in the middle of the stuff.
And don't feel guilty about letting him for one month while you are absent : it's a harsh for a better outcome. Because your DH will be forced to face the problem, and to act accordingly. If he sees that his method doesn't work, he will be able to be mad only against himself.
And he will be forced to question himself.
You can't always do the job for him.
Cross my fingers for you
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
As much as I would love a vacation thats just not a sensible or possible answer to this. My husband has a job where he works long hours so I am able to stay home. I have 2 other children that also need to be taken care of. Dh is out of the house before the kids go to school and doesnt get home till after they get home. Who is going to get them ready for school and who is going to be here when they get home? And what happens when 1 of them is sick and cant go to school, dh cant stay home from work. My youngest was just out for 3 days with pneumonia and dd is out with an ear infection. I also don't think that will help dd in any way. She will feel abandoned as will the other 2. They will not accept mommy is going to live somewhere else for a month no matter how I try and explain it. Me leaving for month will make things alot worse not better.
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Seroquel 50mg a.m, 100mg p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m
Teresa,
I can totally relate to your situation, as it pretty much describes how mine has been over the years. I learned how to escape in books, mostly. I can read anywhere, any time, and tune out what's going on around me.
--
Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17 1/2, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 16, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 1/2 & H, 11 1/2
Married 18 years to DH, 51
FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.
And even if you don't go on holidays, it's not the most important.
The most important is letting your DH managing everything.
You find classes, for example, where you are absent early the morning and come back late. In the meantime, you organize with DH for him to take the primary role. The holiday for a month was an example, too obvious of course, and maybe not realistuc.
However you want.
The most important is making your DH take the primary role.
I unfortunately experienced someone who criticizes but doesn't do even a tiniest thing. The only solution is letting the person the place and let her do. Even if it means making mistakes. I made myself unreachable for her (my father was like that).
Your DH needs to face the problem by himself.
The problem is that as long you face the problem at his place, he will never ever aknowledge that there is the problem and that he can't criticize all day long. That your dd is sick, and she needs medical care.
His job is by no mean an excuse : he is a part of the team, he has to take his role by hands.
The most important is making him face his responsibility.
Because you can't mother your children and mother him. You mother your children and it's already a lot.
I remember that mom made this mistake about wanting always to face daddy's responsiilities at his own lace. Not only it didn't imrove his criticism all the time, it made it worse indeed. He escaped more on his responsibilities day after day. A typically moms' mistake, but the consequences are only a disaster after.
The only solution I had was not speaking to him and his wife for a year and a half. Because in that moment, he understood that he has responsibilities that he can't escape indefinitely. It was a harsh decision, but it was a harsh decision for a brighter outcome.
The most important thing is organize yourself for letting DH be the primary role care during a month. Alone. He has to face all the decisions alone, without you.
And you spend time only with your children, without DH.
DH protests ? Ignore his protests and carry out your decision to let him the primary care of the household.
DH threats you to go away ? Ignore his threats and carry out your decision to let him manage the primary care of the household.
DH blame shifts you about your DD ? Ignore his blame shift and carry out your decision to let him manage the primary care of the household.
Sure that he'll try to escape his responsibilities : it's too comfortable to criticize without doing anything.
But be firm in front of him. Don't change your mind.
DH won't respect you if you're not firm about your decisions. DH thinks that because you are in an inferiority setting and he is in a superiority setting, he can criticize all your decisions and take no responsibility.
In the way he denies DD's illness, he doesn't respect you. You don't have to let it continue.
Really, if you want to avoid a disaster, he has to take this responsibility. Otherwise, earlier or later, DD will pay such a high price that you'll regret all your life not to have made DH realize that DD is sick and needs help.
Make it happen however you want. Classes, a month of holidays, crafts group etc.... Whatever you want.
But the 1st and foremost priority is that DH has to manage the whole primary care of the household, in order to realize the resposibility towards DD and her illness.
He makes mistakes because the laundry is not washed the way you want ? That's ok, it's only clothes. He doesn't iron ? That's ok, ironing has never made stop the world go.
It's DD's health and sanity in game. So if DH contiues like that, DD will pay it.
Unfortunately, with a DH like that, you need to be firm, whatever he does. No mothering him, no doing things at his place. You need to be absent for him, but present for your children.
Take care of yourself, and don't let beat yourself from such a selfish man. Make yourself respect from him. Otherwise, it's better being alone than being badly accompanied (especially from such a selfish guy).
--
25 yo, ADHD, sensory issues, Maths LD and prelingual Single Sided Deafness.
Preparing myself to go back to university to study Law (hope to become a lawyer).
Interests : languages (I speak French as mother tongue, Italian, English and Modern Greek), medicine, law, computer.
Meh. I couldn't find the manipulation article on line but maybe I have it someplace on paper in my house. I'll come across it at some point.....
Hang in there. I know the hopeless feeling so well. You are working so hard and helping so much and all you want is for it to end so she can be better. And she will get better. She is so very young now and it is the nature of being a mom that makes you want to fix it for her. Believe me I wish I could make it better with ice and a band aid. But I can't. So I'm here learning all sorts of thing I wish I never had to know. Reading and asking questions and thinking it through from a different angle. All the time. Its a ton of work. Its exhausting. Its not at all how I prefer to spend my time. But it does work. Things are getting better. Very slowly. In a way I almost don't notice. Until I think about where we were 6 months or a year ago. Then I realize how much we have changed the situation. We have made HUGE progress. But of course have only just started.
NAMI has helped me a lot through all of this. The support and education they offer is wonderful. They do a great job helping parents recognize and cope with the varied and often harsh emotions that go along with parenting a child with mental illness. You should see if there is a local chapter in your area if you haven't already.
Meanwhile, cry all day if you want to. Sometimes you need that so you can keep fighting. And you are fighting so hard. How could you do anything else?
--
Karenj
Self: as sane as I can be everyday
A - DD (17yo) well adjusted, high functioning, motivated, successful, waiting patiently to go away to college
M - DD (13yo) Bipolar I (dx 4/2011) ADHD (dx 2nd grade), dumb high IQ, mainstream education with IEP/BIP, Seroquel XR 550mg, Lamictal 150mg, 3000 mg fish oil, 1000mg B-12, B-Compex - morning
BF - Live in boyfriend of 5 years, supportive and learning more every day
EX - Ex-husband, divorced since 2002, family history of bipolar, unpredictable and sometimes explosive
Teresa,
You have a tremendous understanding of what is going on with your dd, even though I know you think you are making mistakes. But your biggest obstacle is getting others involved in her care to understand what you have figured out. I went through very similar scenarios with my dh for several years. He wouldn't read anything, just waited for me to educate him. But then he would complain about things. I believe part of it is denial--it seems to bother dads (in general) more when their kids are not perfect and "normal". It's probably our society, but whatever the cause, it makes it hard to put forth a coordinated parenting effort. Hang in there, he will come to understanding eventually.
Your comment about the tic your dd is having from the Abilify caught my eye. Does the pdoc know about this? You may need to consider switching to another AP, unless the Abilify is just a miracle drug for her. Some drug induced movement disorders can become permanent if allowed to persist. I would definitely talk to pdoc about this sooner rather than later.
--
Brenda,51, TBMF Parent to Parent Volunteer
Mom to A, 17 1/2, BP, Tourette's, OCD, ADHD: Eskalith CR, Lamictal, Cytomel, Allegra
E, 16, BP,AS: Seroquel, Eskalith CR, inositol, Buspar
B, 14 1/2 & H, 11 1/2
Married 18 years to DH, 51
FROM TBMF: Do not start, stop, or change medications or other treatments for yourself or your child based on what you read on this Website or elsewhere on the Internet. Information presented here should not replace the considered judgement of a doctor who knows you or your child.
Thank you both very much for your kind words. They help so much. I'm hoping with my continued nagging, dh will come around sooner than later. I did go onto the NAMI website and signed up, now I just have to learn how to navigate my way around the site... Lol. I have faith that in time things will get better at least long enough to recoup from this time. I think thats why we are given periods of stability, noone can handle instability all the time. I know its never going to be better forever but I think I am finally starting to accept that and be ok with it. It's not the way I planned for my life but it is what I was given and I have to learn to live with it. If I dont learn everything there is to know about it who's going to teach dd untill she is able to educate herself?
Pdoc is aware of tic as dd also had the pill rolling. We are weaning her off of the Abilify and have started Seroquel. She will be totally off Abilify next week. I am really hoping the tic goes away. I would hate for that to be something else she has to deal with.
--
Teresa,31
dd,H,11, BP, GAD
Abilify 10mg a.m, Seroquel 100mg p.m, Lamictal 150mg split a.m/p.m, Tenex 1mg split a.m/p.m