Don't know where to turn = very long email
Hello all. I have not written much...but now I really need advice and counsel. My 14 y.o. daughter who is out of control. I adopted my daughter at the age of 4 1/2 as a single mom. Even at a young age, she had issues with impulsivity, defiance, anger, attachment, possessiveness, stealing, and control. We sought counseling on and off for the past 9-10 years and for the past 3 years or so, she has been on different forms of mood control medication (ambify, lamictal, depokate, geodone, risperdol, etc..but never in any combination). She now refuses both medication and counseling. At least 3 of her 5 counselors "gave up" on her - one said that she was one of the most difficult clients he ever had and the other sent us to a 3 month outpatient program. Since starting high school (9th grade) her behavior has worsened. This summer she tried to run away and the police were called (while I was on a business trip). She frequently leaves the house at night without permission - often staying out very late. She has lost most of her friends from 8th grade and has glommed on to two new friends who feel unloved, misundersood like her. This fall she was picked up for curfew violation. She also was caught truant from school. She lost her virginity, has drank to "numb the pain", tried pot, and taken pills. Some of this she told me and some I have discovered. Today I found a razor blade in her room.
Of course in her eyes, everything is my fault. I moved her to Indiana the "hell hole," I recently got married and "destroyed her life" and I only "care about myself."
Things really came to a head this past Thurs. The previous day my husband took her to Verizon to get his phone replaced and let her have his since she broke it after 6 months. She accidently deleted the pictures from his phone, despite my husband's warning. When she came home from school, she asked to see her friend and he said yes. Then my husband became very ill around 5:20pm, retching in the toilet for over 1-1/2 hours. My daughter came home around 5:30 and heard him being sick. Later that evening she played me by asking that I create an XMAS list for her and snuck her friend back in the house without my notice. When I knocked on her door to hand her my list, she had blocked the door with her dresser. I saw her friend in the room and told her she had to leave. There was a nasty confrontation but I let the girl stay until 7:30. As I went up to the bedroom, I said "don't leave, stay in." Later that night my daughter snuck out again to her friend's house. When she returned my husband who had a blasting headache and felt lousy, lost it - REALLY lost it - screaming, calling her "criminally stupid" and saying other things he should not have. I tried to get him to calm down but he could not seem to stop. Then she said turned off the lights on him, and said she is choosing to ignore him. So he marched up the stairs to her room, and she asked him to please leave her alone. But he did not. Her bedroom's door broke and she screamed at the top of her lungs. Later she light the fire pit on the deck and left it unattended. He was working at home on Friday and smelled the smouldering smoke all day.
This past weekend was awful - she snuck out again - he retaliated by deleting her tv shows from the DVR (even as I asked him to stop), removing the Wii, etc. He was seething all weekend and I was in a daze (and still am). He said he cannot live in a house where a child runs it. I tried to talking quietly with both of them individually. But now I see her in a downward spiral and he pulling away.
I started seeing a therapist and last session took both of them. My daughter refuses to go back and my husband frequently travels for his work (and cannot make the appt this week).
Vicki B
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Vicki B
Vicki B,
Your daughter sounds like she does not respond to consequences. Do you think she could have FASD (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome)? If so then she might need more than just medication and the types of therapies that work for kids with BP. She might need very specialized therapy and treatment. FASD can be tricky. Kids can appear to have normal intelligence and they can seem manipulative when really they are simply oblivious to the fact that "if they do this.....then this happens."
There is an adoption support group on this site and several moms who are very knowledgeable about FASD are on it.
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Jistac
Mother of 3 (23,20,17) with a variety of mental health issues. Been involved with using Empower as a treatment since 2003
*sigh* I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Your dd sounds so very unstable right now. My dd, when unstable, does all of the same things. My bf gets frustrated with it all and acts like your dh. I can tell you a few things that have helped us through it, but nothing that can actually change the behavior of your dd - that has to come from her alone.
First - see if you can find the NAMI Basics class offered in your area. Both you and your dh should take it together. At best you will get some new tools and resources and feel more empowered to face this head on. At worst you and your dh will have the same set of information to draw from and will have a better understanding of why you aren't working 'together.' My bf and I took it last spring and it has been incredibly helpful since we now have the same vocabulary to talk about what is going on in our household.
Second - I find it extremely helpful to see my most important life priorities as "keep my children safe and healthy." I know this seems simple but it makes all the decisions so much more clear. If dd's actions are jeopardizing the health and safety of anyone in the house, I need to call 911 to keep us safe. If she leaves without telling me where she is, or her behavior becomes increasingly erratic, I will not hesitate to call 911 to report her missing. She hates that I will do this. And it makes her furious because it usually means she gets admitted to the phosp. But I will not let them release her until she is stable enough to follow the rules enough that I can be reasonably assured that she is safe and healthy.
I agree with your dh. This is no way to live. But you and he need to set limits about what you will and will not tolerate and what will happen if the lines are crossed. In my house I will not tolerate being screamed at by a 13 year old. This means that when she does start screaming I leave the room, sometimes the house. I must know where my dd is and who she is with. If I do not know where she is and other people I can contact to check in with, I will call 911 and report her missing. If she runs away and tells me she is not coming back, I will call 911 and report her as a runaway.
Believe me these are not easy lines in the sand. It means my dd has spent a lot of time inpatient over the last 4 months. BUT I am responsible for her health and safety and if I cannot ensure she is safe and healthy then I need to give that over to someone who can. And frankly, if I was over reacting they would not keep her as long as they do each time.
Stay with the therapist just for yourself. This is too big for just one person and you need help.
Your dd may or may not ever start to take care of herself. You can give her all the meds and therapy and services that are available but until she buys into it she will not be compliant and she will not get better. Its terribly painful to watch as a parent. In my case I always say its like watching a slow speed train wreck. You can do nothing but stand by.
You don't say what kind of services and dr's you have in place for your dd but in my case when my dd starts to get a bit out of control I start to call all of them. One at a time. To let them know what I have been seeing and to see if they have any ideas. This helps because I am documenting a trend, and because sometimes they have new suggestions that I hadn't thought of. It also helps because I know they will tell me if I am over reacting or if what she is doing is 'typical' for her age. It also gives me validation that I am doing the right thing.
I am not particularly religious although I do have faith. I find myself praying for the strength to get through the next 5 minutes quite often. It gives me peace to ask for help. And the strength always comes.
((((((hugs)))))) for you, your dh, and especially your dd. As much as you are suffering, she has it so much worse.
Good luck and breathe deep.
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Karenj
Self: as sane as I can be everyday
A - DD (17yo) well adjusted, high functioning, motivated, successful, waiting patiently to go away to college
M - DD (13yo) Bipolar I (dx 4/2011) ADHD (dx 2nd grade), dumb high IQ, mainstream education with IEP/BIP, Seroquel 200mg - morning 250mg bed time; Lamictal 150mg - morning
BF - Live in boyfriend of 5 years, supportive and learning more every day
EX - Ex-husband, divorced since 2002, family history of bipolar, unpredictable and sometimes explosive
It sounds really tough. If it is dangerous to where somebody could really get hurt, please consider calling the local crisis line or 911.
Of course when in a mania or rage, they do can not see the turmoil, and it is everybody else out to get them. Only once more stable do they want to stay there. The street drugs are the worst, and greatly add to her troubles. I have heard, but don't know first hand, that there are treatment facilities that specialize in treating both mental illness and drug addicition at the same time.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Brian
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Daughter 7 BP/violent rages. Unsuccessful with multiple meds. Now reasonably stable for last 3 Months (with a few regressions) on Intuniv + Restrictive diet + True Hope's EMPowerPlus & AminoPowerplus + NAC + Q10 + low dose lithium (no more fish oil).
I completely feel your pain. My son's father passed away when he was 3 and I remarried. My son is now 15 and recently diagnosed bipolar. Following yet another crisis hospitalization of my son a couple of months ago, my husband "lost it" with my son and told him that it was his fault that our lives are falling apart and that because of my son, my husband was considering leaving and seeking divorce. I came home from work to a cold, detached husband and a 15 year old boy who vacilated between, " he was the only dad I ever had and he said he would stick by me and now he hates me"--lots of crying to-- "I hate him, I wish he were dead and when I come home from school tomorrow he better be gone." For the next 3 weeks, neither of them spoke to each other and both were making impossible demands on me. My husband insisting I do something to "put my son away" and my son demanding that I throw my husband out of our house. I couldn't leave them home alone together.
Three days before Christmas, my son ended up back in crisis for an episode at school(5 teachers holding him down, 4 police struggling to get him into an ambulance, and 4 hospital security barely being able to restrain him) followed by an admission taking him into Christmas Eve. I agreed to take him home for Christmas and it took a lot of negotiating with both of them separately to balance things out.
I had been using the time while my son was not with us to help my husband understand that what my son is going through is an illness--a medical condition. That being a "condition of the mind" doesn't make it any less worthy of sympathy and empathy for the pain my son was going through. And, of course, reinsuring him that we are still a team and a family. With my son, I had to explain that just like my son has things he cannot cope with, so does his step dad and I reminded him of all the good memories we had as a family and that we all make mistakes and cause pain to the ones we love but that it doesn't mean we don't love them.
The ride back from the hospital was tense, but when my son came in the door he went over to my husband and hugged him. My husband burst into tears and I was relieved.
It is still not all better. I run a lot of "interference" between them and my husband has days where he just has to leave the house for the day because he can't deal with the uncertainty. Today he went to his brothers with a bag in case he felt he had to stay for the night to keep himself together. And I am home trying to ensure that my son doesn't believe his stepfather's absence is because of his actions--while dealing with his ups and downs by myself.
Hang in there!