Knowing What You Know
You know your child. You even know that you know your child. Why? Because- you have years of experience in caring for this little life. No matter how sure you are in this knowledge, however, there may be times when someone makes you doubt what you know to be true. Maybe it’s a medical professional, a family member, a teacher or even a close friend. Why does this doubt creep in? Sometimes it’s because we trust the person who is questioning what we know. There is nothing wrong with considering alternate opinions and, in fact, sometimes our knowledge grows. But not all alternate opinions are correct or even helpful. Many times we start doubting what we know simply because we don’t have all the "whys" in place. For instance, long before I understood my son’s learning differences and sensory needs:
- I knew he read better in the dark.
- I knew he listened better while drawing.
- I knew he could focus better on school work with music playing.
- I knew he couldn’t look me in the eyes while listening to what I said.
Conventional parenting methods told me to: Turn on the light. Take away the paper. Turn off the music. And tell my child to ‘look me in the eye when I’m speaking to you.’ Not only were these conventional parenting approaches but they were also my instinctive responses that I had to fight because I ‘knew’ they didn’t work for my son. I found myself explaining to my husband that his son wasn’t being disrespectful by not looking in his eyes; I found myself explaining to my congregation that drawing pictures during a meeting didn’t mean he wasn’t paying attention; I found myself explaining to his teachers that he needed lower lighting in the classroom. At the same time, I found myself questioning what I knew UNTIL the day I knew WHY. That happened when my son began seeing an occupational therapist. She was able to enlighten me about some of my son’s learning differences and sensory needs. Further research on those topics helped me even more. It helped me be a stronger advocate for my son’s needs. It helped me erase my doubts and it helped me be more consistent with the parenting that helped MY son.
This experience taught me to search for the "whys" in the equation to gain a fuller understanding of my son’s needs. But it also taught me that it’s okay to "know" what I "know" about my child, respect his needs, and parent accordingly...even when I haven’t yet discovered the why.
This is right on!! I know my child better than anyone. Sometimes I feel as if I am explaining so much that I often get confused on "why" It doesn't make sense but it is who he is, I get annoyed at the doubtful eyes when I am explaining things, when of course I don't have the scientific answers or documented proof. I just know my son!!
I find it amazing how often I explain things about my son but professionals will not always listen. I live with my son and know him better than those professionals that see him for an hour once a week. Even his teacher, which I know spends more time with him does not always listen, even when I know it will help her help him. I wish I could better explain them. Any advise or reading materials that is available.
Even the best professionals can't know what the parents know. I know this from both sides, being a psychologist myself. For some reason we think that we can really know someone seeing them for an hour in a unnatural context. Sometimes we're right and often we're not. And it's impossible to predict. I have 2 BP sons. The older started 4 years ago with a psychopharmacologist who is so compassionate and knowledgeable that I later started seeing him myself for my previously undiagnosed BP 2. However, with my younger son, he doesn't understand him at all. He is convinced that he is "very sick" and needs to take Clozaril, a very strong antipsychotic with dangerous side effects. This medication is usually reserved for people (generally schizophrenics) who don't respond to other meds. This happens, I think, because my son is socially awkward and shy and has ridiculously messy long hair (he's 17 years old and cutting it is a battle I have chosen not to fight). So he got labeled as having "negative symptoms", which refers to deficits in things like motivation, desire to socialize, emotional expression, having interests, caring about how you look. He calls himself a "math nerd", but those qualities are seen as part of his bipolar illness, rather than possibly just his personality. Even my husband believes the professionals more than he believes me. I was really happy to see this topic raised because it's so important. Thanks for the support for trusting myself.
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Sophie, 56, lithium, Lamictal, selegiline patch, Klonopin for sleep
Alex, 22, lithium, Lamictal, nortriptylene
Zachary, 17, lithium, Lamictal, Risperdal, Klonopin for sleep
dh, 58, vicious temper but no diagnosis
Hi lorisinner,
I have spent a lot of time developing materials to present to teachers and others so that they understand kids with bipolar disorder better. You can find many of these on my website at www.bpchildren.org. I would especially recommend the following documents (all free downloads):
My School Day (with and without accommodations)
Questions Kids Have About Pediatric Bipolar Disorder
The Student with Bipolar Disorder: An Educator's Guide
What Areas of the Brain May Show Abnormalities in Childhood Bipolar Disorder?
Classroom Environment
Additionally, SWIVEL to Success, my book for teachers addresses many of the hidden issues surrounding bipolar disorder such as impaired facial processing, impaired processing of prosody (the emotional meaning of language), writing difficulties and so on. Even though the book was written primarily for teachers it really helps others understand what kids with bp experience.
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All my best,
Tracy Anglada
Wow you certainly said it right. I get so tired of explaining everything, and I too, feel like the people looking back at me are thinking many many thoughts.... First, they are going to tell you how to fix it, then they will mention a medication change and last but not least, most of them will walk away from you judging you to the end. I am definetly frustrated.