How do you feel about your child with bipolar disorder becoming an adult?
It is safe to say that my daughter was much more excited about her approaching 18th birthday than I was.
For my daughter, the milestone marked adulthood under the law, with all the rights and responsibilities that come with majority. Turning 18 meant she could vote for president, sign contracts, choose where to live, and make decisions about her medical treatment. And, of course, get a tattoo.
For many of the same reasons, I was apprehensive. The stakes are so much higher as our children get older, and I feared losing my limited ability to keep her safe. I worried about the lifestyle and medication choices she might make, including whether she would take medications at all. I knew that without her consent, doctors would no longer be able to communicate with me, and I would have no say in her treatment.
At the same time, I encouraged my daughter to advocate for herself, to choose her courses in college and her path in life. I wanted her to grow in confidence and autonomy. I knew there would be bumps along the way, and that she could learn from these experiences.
A child’s 18th birthday is a date that many parents of kids with mood disorders view with profoundly mixed emotions. We want our children to be independent, but we know that emotionally and functionally they are younger than their years. Many struggle with impulsivity and oppositional traits. Youths with mental illness are also more vulnerable to drug and alcohol abuse and at greater risk for addiction. If they have legal troubles, they are no longer juveniles, and the potential penalties are more severe.
It is very difficult to help an adult child and, sometimes, to protect that child from himself or herself. So much rests on temperament, relationship and preparation.
Parents can prepare for episodes of severe illness before they occur by asking their child to sign a Mental Health Advance Directive. An advance directive is a legal document that allows an individual to specify what should be done if he or she is unable to make sound judgments about mental health care. It names another adult, such as a parent, to make decisions about treatment and to communicate with doctors. If your child consents, an advance directive can give you both peace of mind. (To learn more about Mental Health Advance Directives, go to http://www.thebalancedmind.org/connect/blog/2010/09/you’re-not-the-boss-of-me-the-need-for-advance-directives).
Practice can also build internal resources and trust. Before your child’s 18th birthday:
- Map out transition steps, allowing your child choices and incentives
- Encourage your child to make decisions, especially when safety is not an issue. Allow your child to experience the results, good or bad.
- Ask your child to weigh options with you. Share your thought process, and make sure he or she is heard.
- Accept that there will be setbacks. Foster hope and resilience by emphasizing your child’s strengths and reminding your child of his or her successes.
Like all parents, we must let our children experience challenges, including the sometimes very serious consequences of their own actions. And we must be patient, because it will take our children a few years longer to mature than most. With time, luck and brain growth, our kids can get there.
As much as we love them, and despite our fears, we must live with the knowledge that we won’t always be able to protect them. We must let go.
How do you feel about your child (legally) becoming an adult? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
I dreaded my son's 18th birthday. For several months before the big day, he reminded us during every phone call from his therapeutic boarding school that when he turned 18, he was leaving. Walking out the door, down the road and into the arms of freedom. We, in turn, reminded him that freedom from us meant no money, no security and no home. He adamantly said he didn't care....
We blinked.
Two weeks before his 18th birthday, at the end of an academic semester, we withdrew him from his boarding school and allowed him to remain at home and attend a local day school.
It was not the best decision, but it is what it is. At least once a week he reminds us that he is 18. Like we could ever forget....
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Mom of:
18 year old son, P. Diagnosed with BP at age 17. Trying his hardest to complete high-school. Supposed to be on Lamictal and Risperdal...., but in reality, refusing all meds....
16 year old daughter, M. No diagnoses and trying her hardest to make everything OK.
We faced an identical dilemma, but we didn't blink, and our daughter stayed to graduate from her RTC. We really didn't know if she would bolt the RTC as she threatened at 18, and we might have caved if she did leave, in the middle of a snowy Chicago winter. We did not get angry at her pronouncements and we tried not to show our anxiety--we just asked where she planned to go.
It has been a bumpy 3 years since, and we have continued to tell her what will happen as a consequence of her choices--like going off medications. It takes repetition for our daughter to learn from experience. She is just beginning to believe us when we tell her what the consequences will be, and she has recently made some better decisions as a result.
This process is unpredictable, like our kids, and it takes time! Hang in there!
Jean
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Jean Meister