Graduation bpkids style: Hopeful Realism
by Susan Resko, The Balanced Mind Foundation Executive Director
Late spring is a time of celebration for most parents with a graduating child. For The Balanced Mind Foundation parents, however, this can be a time of angst, sadness and even dread. Transitions are a time when people reflect upon the milestones of the completed journey and look forward towards new pathways.
As with many events, kids with mood disorders don’t always follow a typical pathway. Many of our children will not go to a four- year university like their peers, but instead, they take alternative paths. At this transition, it’s only natural for parents to reflect on ravages, heartache and sadness this horrible illness has caused our children. We grieve for our child’s missed opportunities. I had an intensely painful experience over the weekend when my son was inadvertently excluded from a ceremonial rite of passage. I know the oversight was unintentional, but it reopened all my old stigma-laden wounds. Because people don’t understand mood disorders, it makes us feel invisible and forgotten.
But rather than dwell on the sadness left in the wake of this illness, I am choosing to celebrate my son’s amazing accomplishments this spring! He turned 18 this month, he gets his driver’s license this weekend, and he graduates from high school next month! Like Chickeyd’s son, my son will be doing a “Gap Year(s)” through the public school district starting next fall. This means that while he has fulfilled all the requirements for graduation, the district will withhold his diploma so that he can continue to receive services. He will take courses at the local community college, and meet regularly with a transition coordinator about employment, transportation and schedule management. He will be connected with other kids from surrounding local districts in the program. He can continue to do this until he turns 21, if he so chooses. He may be ready for a different path in a few years; but for now, it is the right path for him.
I could not be more proud of my son! He has managed to achieve a 3.4 cumulative GPA, even though he attended five different high schools: a mainstream high school, a hospital, a residential treatment center, a therapeutic boarding school and most recently, a therapeutic, self-contained day school.
Depression makes it difficult to get out of bed each morning; it’s like dragging yourself through a swimming pool filled with mud. Yet he makes it to school ALMOST every morning. Depression also causes people to isolate themselves and it zaps energy levels. Yet, he joined me on a 5-day mission trip to Haiti last month where he conversed easily with the other group members, became a magnet for the young Haitian children, and jumped in a 10-foot hole to help dig a latrine. He had twice the energy in the 95°Haitian sun than his tired old mom!
I could go on and on like any proud parent. But, that’s not my point. Instead, I urge every The Balanced Mind Foundation parent to celebrate YOUR OWN child’s unique abilities. Make a list and keep it on your nightstand. Never forget how hard they fight against their illness to accomplish simple, everyday events. Just remember, there is hope. They will get there; it may not be a typical path, but their illness makes the journey like climbing Mt. Everest. Keep remembering the wonderful, unique things (and forget the bad stuff).
We need to be realistic about our children’s paths. It may take them longer, and they may have more bumps in the road. Keep cheering them on from the sidelines. Be a hopeful realist.
This month, each of our The Balanced Mind Foundation bloggers reflects on their own experience with the transition years. Read more here.
We received several comments by email:
Christine L. said:
"This brief article by Susan Resko is so important for all parents to internalize. Nothing could be more important to help a child understand that he is loved for who he is, not who he is expected to be.
My son is now 31, and our combined disappointments and hurts were so hard to accept, especially during those CRUCIAL adolescent years, I am ashamed to say.
Once he told me (as an adult) that I was never very affectionate... I was so surprised, loving him so much as I do, that this was his perception. Then I realized that it is a pattern in my own family to keep one's New England distance.
We know now that nothing is ever more important than a foundation of unconditional love, and hands-on affection, and also honesty with ourselves. This is an ongoing goal for us as our children proceed through life, move away, and sometimes turn us off!
Please hug Susan for me for writing so directly and so profoundly."
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Comment received by email:
Sheila M. said:
"What a fabulous edition of the newsletter. Susan, your essay is wonderful. Thanks. "
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Comment received via email:
Mary Fristad said:
"CONGRATS! and what a powerful, moving opening article for the e-newsletter.
i am so happy for the many successes you have and will experience(d)."
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Comment received via email:
Madelon M. said:
"I read the newsletter yesterday and I concur whole heartedly with Sheila's
words that she sent to you this morning. Keep up your excellent work!"
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Comment received via email:
Ginny N. said:
"Fabulous piece on celebrating life! I loved it, Susan!!! "
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Comment received via email:
Susan said:
"I just read your beautiful letter to parents regarding transitions and the successes in your son's journey. You words are humbling, profound and indelibly imprinted on my heart.....(Just need to dry the tears from the keyboard!!!!)"
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
Hi Susan,
I just read your blog this morning, bleary eyed from an emotional time of attending my daughter's high school graduation ceremony and preparing for her 18th birthday next week. Your blog could not have been more perfectly timed for me. I felt as if I was reading my own story with my daughter right to the very end. My daughter's graduation was very hard for me because she also attending various school settings and ultimately graduated from an alternate medical program in a very small ceremony--no prom, no senior outings, no friends--no "senior year" like her older sister.
It has been a rough year, heck a rough four years, and so hard to process because the typical rites of passage never happened for her and yet she accomplished so much including maintaining a 3.60 gpa while having some of the worst days of her life. It is so easy to be seduced by the trappings of graduation and hurt by the missed events of our child's life so reading your blog today reminded me and inspired me to reflect, remember and celebrate my child's life instead.
With much appreciation,
Sheila W.
I read your article and cried. It is always so hard to listen to other people celebrate the successes of their children, when you know that your own child will not achieve any of those same goals.
This is the year when our daughter should have graduated from high school, but her disorders (bipolar and autism spectrum disorders) have made that appear impossible. Of course, I blame myself for part of this failure. I did not push to send her to the mental hospital or residential treatment centers. Instead, we have worked through the periods of mania and depression (mainly depression) at home. We have tried several home-school programs, but none of them have been completed because the depression keeps wiping out the memory of where we left off.
I am excited for the students who have made it to graduation. At the same time, I empathize with all the parents who have children who “dropped out” of the system because it couldn’t adapt to their unique challenges. On paper, our daughter is still in the system, but even with many accommodations, she couldn’t attend school enough days to make a passing grade. She has been on a “non-diploma track” for the last two years, but I doubt that she will make it to “walk” with her class next year (She repeated 8th grade in the hopes she would be able to catch up and get a diploma.)
Thanks for all that you do through CABF to help people understand and get help for children with bipolar disorder. I hope that each year will see more success for our children.
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Linda, mother of Janelle, bipolar and ASD
Comment received via email:
Please know that your loving words of wisdom regarding yours and your son's journey will be embraced and treasured by many..... what hope, realism and comfort you provide to ALL!!!!
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I am Child & Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's webmaster.
what hope
My son with bipolar will graduate next month from a therapeutic school; his twin who does not have the disease will graduate from "regular" high school this week. They turn eighteen in the middle of June. Our bipolar son has told us that he does not want us to attend his graduation. We recently found out that he had stolen thousands of dollars from us over the past year. We are all coping with his rages and lack of insight. My husband and I are terrified for him, even as we celebrate his accomplishments. Thanks so much for the article; it gives me hope. Just like you, my hopes are that my son can have a happy and independent life -- and that he manages to avoid drug and alcohol abuse or other self-destructive behavior. I think about the Serenity Prayer a lot these days.
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Sarah Mayper