That’s right, MANIPULATION. Nobody likes to feel manipulated or to be called a manipulator. Kids with bipolar disorder are frequently accused of manipulation by teachers, family and friends. But is there more behind it? For insight into this topic, please enjoy an excerpt from my book, Intense Minds:

Altering the Environment

When was the last time you altered your environment to make it more comfortable? You probably did today. Did you turn on the light to read this book? Did you turn on the heat or air conditioning in the car when you drove to work? Did you look at the caller ID and decide not to answer the phone because you didn’t want to deal with the person on the other end? Every day each of us alters our environment in a way that makes it more livable or comfortable. Sometimes these changes involve more than comfort and cross over into survival. For example, if you don’t have heat in the middle of a blizzard, you could freeze to death. This alteration or manipulation of the natural environment becomes a way to survive. The same is true of young people with bipolar disorder. They must alter or manipulate their environment to meet their specific needs in order to survive.

Life means a lot of chaos. Grasping at coping strategies, constructive or otherwise, is all you can do. It reminds me of being out on a raft in the ocean riding the waves. All of a sudden a squall comes and the waves get really big and unpredictable. You are being tossed around and come crashing down only to be forced up again by the turbulent forces of the water. You have to do anything you can to stay connected and safe. You may cry, scream, try to swim, try to hold still and go with the swells, hold onto the raft for dear life, choose to let go of the raft and try to swim. You do whatever it takes to hold it together until the storm calms. It’s survival.” --*"Olivia"

While altering one’s environment is actually an important coping skill, it is not viewed very positively in the world we live in. Being called a “manipulator” has a very negative connotation. The assumption is that the person manipulating things has a bad intent. This, of course, was not true of the person who turned on the air conditioner. There was no harm meant, only a change of environment. In the case of young people with bipolar disorder, manipulating their environment becomes a necessity to survive. That doesn’t mean they always make the best choices on how to change the environment, but if one examines the situation closely, one will see the reason behind the manipulation.

“I just felt not right and anxious and often felt ignored no matter how much attention adults tried to give me. Often the adults would end up thinking I was being manipulative or bratty. I used to fear school and feel bad when there and unsafe. I was feeling so bad I began to get physically sick, but my Mom and brother and teachers thought I was being manipulative. It was an awful time. One time, a teacher sent a note home when I was in about the fourth grade. It was not sealed, so I looked at it and it made me so embarrassed and ashamed. The letter was asking why I make things up, why I manipulate the school and her, and what is wrong with me to make me avoid school. I felt totally betrayed and humiliated. No one came to me EVER to ask why or what was wrong or do anything to help.” --*"Jordan"

(end of excerpt)

Of course, if a coping mechanism or ‘manipulation’ harms others-or is unhealthy-you will want to guide your child to more positive coping mechanisms. But it starts with first recognizing the need behind the manipulation and addressing that need. A child can be praised for trying to find a solution and then included in the process to find a more amiable solution. You should not remove all control from your child especially if he is feeling totally out of control of his moods and emotions. The more out of control he feels towards his inner emotions, the more strongly he may grasp at controlling the outer environment. The goal is to empower your child with appropriate, positive coping mechanisms that are artful in the management of his illness without being hurtful to others. After all, your child will need to identify and implement positive coping skills throughout his whole life. It doesn’t happen overnight but it can start today.

*In Intense Minds, young people with bipolar disorder and adults who grew up with the condition speak out to share how they experienced the symptoms of this illness during their youth and how it affected their functioning in school, at home, and with friends. "Olivia" and "Jordan", quoted in the excerpt above, are adults whose bipolar disorder began in childhood.