As I stepped off the bus, that familiar sick feeling crept into my stomach. He was riding today. I hurried my steps trying to get home before he started with the usual teasing. It was no use. He was much older and faster than I. As he caught up to me, the taunting began. “Your baby sister is ugly,” he said with a smirk. I tried to ignore him and stepped up my pace. “She is so ugly that nobody wants to see her.” “She is not,” I yelled back, feeling my inner temperature rise, even as the chill in the air bit at my face and the chill in his voice bit at my heart. “There she is, that’s your baby sister,” he said pointing to the ditch. I followed the direction of his finger and there in the ditch was a doll lying face down in the mud, hair strewn and matted. It was all I could take. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I had been determined not to let him get to me today, but he had succeeded as he had every day this week.  My parents said the typical things to make me feel better: “Sticks and stones…" but these words did hurt. I was eight years old when that bully found pleasure in taunting me. He had found my weak spot and exploited it mercilessly.

Since then, I have learned that there are always bullies in life, from the playground to the office. Some use overt tactics, others use subtle means to gain power over another and humiliate them. The question is not will our children encounter a bully, it is when. And then, what will we do to help them overcome such a situation. While each situation is different, we first have to know that the bullying is taking place which means communicating with our children. In the instance above, it was pretty obvious when I was coming home in tears that something was wrong. But that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, children are ashamed to admit that there is a problem. So make sure to be proactive in discussing bullying with your child. Ask outright if they have had a problem with a bully. Then come up with some strategies for dealing with bullies.

Here are a few things that helped me eventually overcome my bully and may help your child:

1. Avoid – If you know someone is a bully, try to avoid encounters.  If you can’t avoid seeing this person, try to have a friend with you. I started having my big brother walk with me on the way home. Funny how this bully wasn’t so tough when someone his own age was there to back me up.

2. Tell an Adult – Make sure that your child knows they can talk to you about a bully and that you will act if necessary. My parents offered to speak to the bully’s parents. I wanted a chance to resolve it first but I knew my parents were there to back me up.

3. Acknowledge the Hurt – Obviously I was being hurt by words. My parents acknowledged that what was being said was wrong and hurtful.

4. Understand the Bully – This was the part that was hard for me but it did help me deal with the bully. This young man was riding the bus to stay at his aunt’s house temporarily after school because things in his own family were not going well. Ultimately understanding that he wanted the family relationships I had helped me realize why he was targeting me.

5. Reasoning – My parents also helped me to reason on his taunts and see how they were not based on any reality. He had in fact never even seen my baby sister.  It was then that I realized his goal was to get a reaction from me.

6. Regaining Control – My parents helped me regain control by giving me a few things to say to the bully. It was important for me to learn not to argue back as that just pulled me into the situation and gave the bully control. A few neutral phrases said without emotion can put your child back in control and take away the fun for the bully. These include such things as “whatever” or “you can say what you like.”

The day I could walk past the doll in the ditch with my brother at my side and give my own smirk back to the bully was the day it was no longer fun for him to taunt me. I remember that the sky was extra blue that day and the joy of conquering that situation made me feel like I could do anything.