Parenting Through a Crisis
Remember, during a crisis act like a thermostat, not like a thermometer. This is one of the many things I try to share with my graduate students during the class I teach on emotional, behavioral and mental health conditions. Many of the graduate students are also parents and have told me that the suggestion of acting like a thermostat rather than a thermometer is also helpful to them in their homes. This analogy means staying level when your child’s emotions are running wild. Instead, we often act like a thermometer, responding to the distress by heightening our own emotions in response.
This response is called “mirroring”. We have a neural “wi-fi” in our brains that is deeply affected by the actions and behaviors of others. Have you ever noticed that when a discussion gets loud or heated you can change the volume of another person by merely lowering your voice and slowing your speech? The frontal lobe of our brain is the “high road”, working with logic and impulse control and it doesn’t fully develop until the MID-TWENTIES!! The “low road” is, in fact, located down low in our brain and it is the “fight, flight or freeze” part of the brain as well as the master of mirroring. When kids are in stress and their behaviors are strong and negative, adults will mirror those behaviors unless the brain is trained to do otherwise.
Example of mirroring:
1. Stressful event occurs (frustration, failure) which activates the child’s (or adolescent’s) irrational beliefs (adults are unfair, nothing good ever happens to me).
2. These negative thoughts trigger the child’s feelings.
3. Feelings rather than rational thinking drive the child’s inappropriate behavior.
4. Inappropriate behavior (yelling, threatening, refusing to speak) provoke adults.
5. Adults don’t only pick up on this behavior but mirror the behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6. This negative reaction increases the child’s stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating power struggle.
7. Although the child may well lose the battle there is no winner. The irrational beliefs the child had in the first place (nothing good ever happens to me) are reinforced and she or he has no motivation to change or alter beliefs or behaviors.
Children and adolescents must be taught to take the high road. Adults must remember to take the high road.
Stay a "thermostat" even though it is hard. Don’t be a "thermometer" and fluctuate with the temperature around you. Try to:
1. Use “I” messages (less threatening, less likely to promote aggression, good modeling of an honest exchange, interrupts power struggles and releases stress in a healthy way).
2. Step out of the conflict if you feel yourself mirroring. Tell the child you do want to talk to them and can when you are both calmer.
3. Encourage the child to take a break and practice self-calming techniques.
4. Listen carefully for what is not being said (decoding) and try to respond to underlying concern with I messages.
I personally know how difficult this can be, particularly when you are exhausted and it doesn’t seem to get any better. Hopefully these suggestions are helpful or a reminder of things you already know.
Find time to take care of yourself. Take a walk, join a book club, do yoga, meditate, stay close to friends, find a group or organization that can support your spiritual side, find time to talk to you partner about something other than your child or adolescent, garden or go to a park or conservatory, pet an animal, write in your journal, and enjoy a small pocket of peace wherever you find it. Remember to breathe.
I think this is a great post. I would also recommend anyone to do guided meditation.The best part is: no expensive equipment to buy, no special clothes, no dieting, and no heavy time commitments. All it takes is 1 hour. You pick the time, you pick the place.
Maria
-I love the idea of this...but it can be so difficult when my child is in a rage that creates violence and insults, kicking doors and not responding to me at all-
Luisa
How can I share this one with others? I definitely want my husband to read it.
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Melody Altamura
Mom of three children; dd-9, ds-8, dd-3.
We're in upstate NY and both school agers are attending a public charter school.
Me- ADD, PTSD, Anxiety: Methylin, Zoloft, Fish oil & various vitamins
The two oldest have BP diagnosis.
DS- BPD, ADD, PTSD, Anxiety: Risperdal, Adderall, Zoloft, Fish oil, Vitamin D, B-12
DD- BPD, ADHD, Anxiety: Risperdal, Adderall, Zoloft, B-12
Thanks for the comments! Meditation is excellent, both for parents and for children. Even 5 minutes a day can make a difference for me. Luisa, I know exactly what you mean. These strategies are used to get ahead of the tantrums and physical outbursts but sometimes it doesn't work like that as you know. One thing we do know (and I am sure you do as well!) is that matching the child's out of control behavior with our own never helps but often lowering our voices, and slowing down our motions, speech and breath can help. Trying to get one step ahead of a meltdown is always the best strategie but, again, often difficult. I have been in a position with students when I have had to remove other students from the room and assure the raging student's safety, which might include restraint. But, that is always a last resort in my bag of tricks. It leaves me feeling as powerless as it does the child. Melody, you can print, copy, paste, and/or grab it from my Facebook page, and use however it might benefit you and yours!
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Cinda Johnson
This is a wonderful post!! I have been guilty of mirroring, and cannot stress enough how much worse it makes the situation. You have to step back, take some deep breaths, and NOT take your child's behavior personally. I was the worst at that, the way he would act- i didnt raise him to be that way! the things he would say-crushed my feelings. His insults- how dare he!! But you must take the high road, be the adult, Do not take their verbal attack on you, your spouse, your other kids so personally. I have found that repetitive commands, in a gentle even tone have been the best coping method to de-escalate a situation. I used to be the worst at yelling and screaming and getting frustrated, which did noone any good and did in fact harm the situation even further. IT IS NOT EASY!!!! After a good 20 minute battle with my son, where I take the high road and keep my cool, I AM EXHAUSTED!! I could just lay down and fall asleep wherever. IT takes a lot out of me. But staying calm and firm for a good 20 mins sure beats yelling and screaming and punishing and threatening for a good hour, to no prevail. After a good tantrum, I have to seek solitude. which isnt easy. but usually a quick call to my mom or sister and a few minutes of venting helps. Or i will sit in the recliner with my other two kids and read or watch a movie for a few. It helps. SUPPORT is the key i do believe. Having someone to call and vent to who supports you and encourages you, makes all the difference in the world. If you dont have a familial support group, Please find some online support' or therapist or support group in your town. My small town has no support groups, so i am talking to my sons counselor and teacher about creating one :) as a foot note, I still have weak moments, where my temper and low road get the best of me.......but I walk away, i breath, i allow myself moments of weakness and forgive myself, and i always apologize to my child and never blame him for making me act that way. Good luck and many blessings to you and yours:)
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~Busy Mama~
I can lose it too on my 9 year old daughter when she rages. It is so hard because they know what to say and what will hurt most. It also questions all the work you put into raising your child - the years of love and care that any parent puts in, but also the extra of dealing with a child with emotional and behavior problems.
I have been coached to be non-responsive when she screams at me, which is hard to maintain during a tantrum (ie. for me not to get sucked into it, or "mirror" I guess). During one tantrum this winter I decided to be a Stepford Wife, and cleaned the kitchen and family room while she raged at me. She kept screaming, "Why aren't you talking to me?" and following me around. But I kept my cool and did not say anything, so I did not get as wrapped up in it as in the past.
Our therapist has told me it is better to respond occasionally during a tantrum, because complete non-response will agitate her further.
He is probably right....but thinking of myself as a Stepford Wife helped me get through it.