Siblings suffer, often in silence
If you are feeling overwhelmed by your youngster with bipolar disorder, it’s a good bet that the other children in the household are too.
Siblings suffer when a brother or sister has bipolar disorder, but they often hide their struggles or try to be perfect to lessen the burden on parents. Their problems may be missed because parents are doing their best to contain chaos, keep everyone safe and maintain a semblance of ordinary life, including school, work and regular meals.
Brothers and sisters often feel anger toward their ill sibling, and resent the fact that they can’t bring friends home or enjoy a vacation or simple family outing. They may feel that their world unfairly revolves around the child with bipolar disorder, and mourn the family they wish for. They may suffer trauma, depression or anxiety. When their pain finally emerges, it can be a shock.
Siblings are especially vulnerable because they have even less control than adults to control or escape a stressful environment.
How can parents protect and support their other children?
- Don’t allow siblings to take responsibility for a sick child or for parents.
- Let them know it is ok to feel angry, jealous or sad.
- Watch for signs that siblings are in distress, but realize their problems may be hidden. If you suspect depression, anxiety or PTSD, have your child assessed by a pediatrician or a psychiatrist.
- Find a skilled therapist to help siblings express their feelings and learn coping skills. Siblings may repress negative emotions because they fear losing control like their ill brother or sister. Therapy can help them learn healthy coping strategies.
- Encourage siblings to develop their own positive interests outside of home, such as sports, clubs or dance.
- Try to carve out one-on-one time with each sibling, away from the sick child.
- Take care of yourself too, because if you are stressed, you have limited ability to care for others.
Being attuned to siblings is an enormous challenge for parents who are already stretched to the limit. During the worst times in my house, I was much better at protecting my younger children from physical harm than from emotional harm, which emerged later. They met with a therapist and insisted to everyone that they were fine. They maintained that façade until my ill daughter went to an RTC, and it was finally safe to crumble.
As much as we want to shield our children from hurt, we can’t be everywhere and we can’t predict the next crisis. Our challenges are beyond the imagining of most parents. We do our best, and that’s enough.
true, my other kid is affected too, you don't want to lose two children, do you?-
lily S
I decided that I couldn't let one sick child sink the whole family. It wouldn't help the sick child, and it would hurt everyone else! It took me a long time to get there.
Best wishes to you --
Jean
--
Jean Meister
Great blog post. So true.
My dd is on a wait list for a support group. DS1 (14) doesn't want one :(
--
Gerri - Mom of 3 wonderful children...that sometimes needs a little help along the way!
T 6.5,gifted with no dx pdoc says 6.5 is to young but will treat the symptoms -...Meds are: pms-risperidone liquid - 1mg/ml @ a dosage of 0.125 ml x2 daily, just started the pills but still need to finish the liquid.
apo-benztropin 2mg @ 1/2 tablet as needed for muscle cramps/ spasm (rare side effect of the Risperidone)
M 8.5, tired of putting up with T, and my musical whiz kid -working at school to have her designated as gifted.
S 14 dramatic arts next year in HS RAP program, typical teenager, tired of putting up
with T's crap. Is happy he is old enough to get out of the house, when it gets bad.
Very true. Had to go to a psychiatrist. I believe I was depressed.
I get what you are saying, but like everything else with bipolar, this is all easier said than done. My oldest son is having the worst time with this. He talks to me and dad, but not for long becausehegets very frustrated. Refuses to go for outside counseling. He has shunned his BP bro. for almost 2years. No talking, no interaction at all. Will walk across the room to retrieve the ketchup rather than ask his brother for it. It breaks my heart, but on the other hand I totally understand why he does it to protect himself.
--
43 Y/O MOM OF 3
H 41 Y/O Great GUY
S 16 - GREAT KID, GOOD HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS, AP CLasses
S 14 BP1, ADHD, ODD, Mytral Valve prolapse, Asthma, Celiac Disease, very bright and funny
Tried many, currently on Lithium, Risperdal, and Wellbutrin, Asthmanex, Gluten Free Diet
D 10 - GREAT KID, VERY CARING and SWEET
It is often hard to get older kids into counseling. I hope your son will reconsider, because a skilled therapist can help him to feel better.
Siblings do need to be able to set boundaries, even if the boundary is a brick wall. My two younger children, now 18 and 15, feel a lot of anger and resentment toward my bp daughter, and they often avoid her. It is hard to see, but I understand. I tell them they have a right to set limits, and I don't force them into interactions they don't want. However, my bp daughter lives in an apartment, not our home, so this is not a daily issue.
Maybe these relationships will improve over time. I hope so.
Best wishes,
Jean
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Jean Meister
I almost cried reading your blog. This really opened my eyes and I cant belive it has taken me so long to acknowlege what my sick child is doing to her sister. They share a room, so she never gets a break! She does try to overcompensate for her sister. Ugh! Ihave been so consumed with dealing with the sick children (we have two), I never thought about what is was doing to the other two.
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CampMom
It is very hard to be attentive to everyone while caring for one--let alone two--ill children! I struggled, I sometimes failed, but I did my best. Please seek respite for yourself and your other children, and know that you are doing your best under extraordinarily challenging circumstances.
Best wishes,
Jean
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Jean Meister
Good for you for taking care of yourself, and for providing a great example for your children. I hope things are better for you and your family.
Best,
Jean
--
Jean Meister
Our 10 year old daughter with no dx catches the brunt of things from our BP 8 year old daughter. Our 5 year old daughter with no dx id starting to understand a little more about how things seem to revolve around Page (BP 8 year old). 5 year old a lot more forgiving toward her after an outburst. The 10 year old--not so much--seems to be becoming a bit more hardened by it all.
Thankfully, we have family in town and we are learning that Page does soooo much better when she is one on one--with any of us. So, tonight Page is spending night at grandparents house without her sisters ;). And, there is peace in our house...and I feel terribly guilty about saying that but it is the truth.
Joan
Family members can be a wonderful source of respite! Don't feel guilty--you are recognizing your children's individual needs. It is probably a nice break for Page too! Thanks for offering a great solution to a very difficult problem.
Jean
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Jean Meister
my ds #2 spends his life trying to apease #1. he begs and pleads for his brother to treat him right. a battle he may never win. #1 is soooo increadibly lucky to have a forgiving brother, i know everyone has a threshold. i hope someday they can be close but right now my priority is to halt any potential abuse in my house. we are now at zero tolerance for the put downs and violence. i 'll try my hardest to make it last...but we as parents only have soo much patience and energy.
--
JEN overly stressed
hubby, same
#1 DS, Age 8, going into 4th grade,
BP, ADHD, ANXIETY (aspie traits, too)--*unstable*
docs call him a "complicated case"
phosp 6/21/10-7/15/10
current RX lithium 450mg, seroquel 75mg 3x a day, clonidine 3x a day
{MEDS TRIED: short acting stims, clonidine, melatonin, zoloft (bad), concerta (worked great for a while but got very moody/manic? went ballistic going off of it) Depakote, Zyprexa, Abilify, risperidal-almost helped /postponed intuniv trial}
#2 DS, 5 has the rages --likes to bang his head when in meltdown mode, moody at times.(worried about moods but concentrating on #1 right now)
Well, you point out the one of the most important aspect of life. I think, family members should have enough understanding so that they can easily share their feelings.
I have a 12 year old BP daughter who is so difficult and challenging at home that I spend so much of my time upset and not knowing how to deal with her raging outbursts and angry demeanor. My son who is 15 has become my rock. He sees and knows how difficult our family life is at this point and tries to help. He comes over to comfort me, when I don't know what to do. He tells me everything will be ok. He tries to talk to his sister, but she just rages more. He is the first one to check on her when she is in her manic angry mode and literally stands outside her window so she doesn't run away. She has already run away twice. Once the police had to get involved. He sees the severity of the issue and is trying to make things okay. I think when the sibling is in the household and knows there is a problem, they try their best to handle the situation. It's so difficult on them.
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Denise
The level and frequency of crisis that you describe is nearly impossible for everyone involved. It sounds like your son is a wonderful teen, but I would worry that he is taking too much responsibility for your daughter and for you. I hope you will seek counseling support for yourself and for your son. You might also turn to a close friend or relative to spend time with your daughter, to give you and your son a break. Are there community mental health services available for respite or crisis help?
My daughter had nearly daily rages that we could not control, and this prompted us to seek residential care for her. For us, it was the only way to get the intensive help my daughter needed, and to protect the wellbeing of the rest of the family. When she went to an RTC, the family began to heal.
My heart goes out to you and your family --
Jean
--
Jean Meister
What you all are saying is the main reason that something "clicked" and made me realize that my son needs help! His 4 yr old sister is usually the target of his rude comments and violent outbursts. She still thinks the sun rises and sets on her big brother and will tell you "Bub hurts me and is mean to me but he does love me and doesn't mean to do it" Absolute heart wrenching!!
It is heart-wrenching. I hope you are able to intervene for both of your children.
Best,
Jean
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Jean Meister
Wondering how old your daughter was when you seeked residential care for her and how expensive it is. Does insurance cover it at all? Our household is in chaos all the time. My older daughter (14) never wants to go anywhere with C, or have any of her friends over. C has taken over our lives! I'm worried that as she gets older the RAGES will get more dangerous.
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Deb
Phx, AZ
C - 6yrs; DX - MOOD DISORDER NOS; OCD
Abilify 7.5 mg 2X Daily
Luvox 75 mg 2X Daily
Intuniv 2 mg Daily
Other children - J 22 yrs (college) and H 14 yrs
Hi, Deb --
My daughter was 16 when she went to an RTC. Her illness looked like ADHD as a young child, but snowballed in adolescence. My other children were younger, and bore much of the aggression. They were also unable to have friends to our home. It was overwhelming for the whole family and despite therapy and treatment, we could not curb the rages.
I live in Illinois, where there are Individual Care Grants, administered through the Ill. Dept. of Human Services. These grants are intended to fund residential care or intensive community services for kids with severe mental illness. They are hard to get--a great deal of documentation is required--but are lifesavers for many families. An ICG paid for 2 1/2 years of treatment in an outstanding RTC for my daughter, and our local school district paid the tuition bill. Our only costs were outside therapy and medication. The illinois State Board of Education also funds some residential care for children.
I don't know if Arizona has similar programs, but state social service, mental health and education departments would be a good place to inquire. Your local school district may also help, but you are likely to have to fight for this. I do know of families who receive RTC coverage through their private insurance company, and I would also recommend exploring this avenue.
No family should have to pay these costs on their own--they are truly prohibitive.
Best wishes,
Jean
--
Jean Meister
My 2 younger children are so much younger than Cade (BP) that he really manipulated them and abused them. Cade was 16 before we had a handle on what was really going on. We thought since he was 8 that he was ADHD, but he was BP the entire time. We truly thought his extreme behavior was a mix of the Adhd, puberty, and the fact that his bio dad had disapeared from his life around 9. We thought all of this was causing his extreme rebellion. I was completely unaware that kids could be bipolar.
My 2 younger kids are angels but I do know they try hard, as stated above, to not add to the stress we had been going through with Cade. After he was finally taken to Juvenile hall for assaulting me the younger 2 felt safe enough to tell us some of the horrible things he had been doing to them. When ever he was alone with them he would pretty much torture them verbally and physically. It didn't matter if we were in the home or not. If we were out of earshot he took advantage of it.
I implore anyone with younger kids to never leave them alone ever with your BP child unless your more than positive they are stable. The guilt I feel for not knowing the mean and manipulative things he was doing to them is the worst part of all of this. I thought he was good to his brother and sister but behind closed doors, or when we would run short errands, he was a monster to them.
He would hit them, Get them to lie for him, and threaten them with horrible things if I was ever told. I would come home and every one would act like everything was fine. Now that Cade isn't in the house life is as it should be. The fear of how Cade is going to act every moment is gone and the light has returned to their eyes and lives.
I have suched mixed feelings about my son not being in my home but the longer he's gone and the more we heal the more I realize that It's time to concentrate on my other two and begin therapy for them so they can process what has happened.
Cade is now with his bio dad, who he hasn't seen in nearly 8 years, and I hope they can make it until he's 18 because he can't come back in my home.
They were so strong for so long and I want them to be kids again before it's to late.
--
Lisa mom 38, Stepdad 40, Cade BP 17 abilify and zoloft, D 12, A 10.
I am so sorry for all that your family has been through --
Jean
--
Jean Meister
I'm having deja vu right now. I am 15, not bipolar,but my older sibling is. The bp sibling has run away many times and the police have gotten involved even more times. I see the severity of the situation, and nothing has gotten better. I am also my mothers rock, as she has commented on many times. There is one problem in all of this though, being my moms rock has led to some problems. I'm telling you right now, it's not a good thing if your son starts to feel responsible. I am in a quite similar situation apparently as your son, and I constantly put my own problems aside in the face of my family and friends, because I now have a mindset of "she has bigger problems," and "no, I'm not going to tell her that. It will only make her worry and she doesn't need that." I never bother my mom with my problems, because she already has too much to handle. These thoughts are born from having spent many a nights with my mom crying on my shoulder, or telling me all of her problems and dilemmas. I'm not saying don't vent to your son and depend on your son, because as my mom has told me many times, you need someone to vent to, but be careful. Don't end up making him feel responsible for your well being. It's really not a good feeling.
I hope you will show your post to your mom. I am sure she would not want you to shoulder such a big responsibility. You sound like a wonderful and caring person, but it is too much for you to be your mother's support in this overwhelming situation.
It sounds like your family is going from one crisis to another, without a chance to catch your breath. I've been there, and it's exhausting physically and emotionally. In the short term, is there a close friend or relative who can care for your brother for awhile, or take you to do something fun? Even a short break helps. Some community mental health services also offer respite assistance for families like yours.
In the long term, I would suggest that your mom consider residential treatment for your brother. If he is running away, he is not safe, and if he is creating constant upheaval at home, others are powerfully affected. Each family member is important!
Often, residential treatment is paid for by insurance or a local school district or the state. Residential treatment enables those with severe illness to learn coping skills, and it provides safety for everyone.
Take care,
Jean
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Jean Meister