The Pain of Social Isolation
Our children are different.
They know it, and so do the other kids. Our children may act impulsively, miss social cues, not get the joke, or become the brunt of the joke. They may hurt feelings with unedited observations, or overreact when frustrated. They may be unable to still the legs that ricochet under their desks at school, or stop themselves from interrupting the teacher to blurt out an idea that just popped into their heads.
These behaviors carry a painful price socially. Offenders don’t get invited to birthday parties, sleepovers or to hang out at the mall. They may be friendless and without allies at school or in the neighborhood. Field trips can be occasions of great anxiety, filled with worry about who will sit with them on the bus.
Social isolation is a common and very hurtful problem for children with bipolar disorder, and especially for those who also have ADHD. It may be just as painful for the parents who love them, who wipe away their tears and reassure them that they are good, lovable, funny and talented, even if the other kids don’t see their many gifts.
This comes to mind for two reasons.
First, I recently read about a study on the impact of stigma on adolescents with mental illness, primarily bipolar disorder. Researchers at a Midwestern university “discovered that (these) adolescents may face social isolation,” and that parents may worsen the problem by magnifying their child’s sense of being different.
Second, parents in my support group this week shared heartbreaking tales of social agony. One mom brought a shopping bag full of advice books to share. The range of books—from preschool picture books to how-to-make-friends guides for teens—offered evidence of how long and hard she has been trying to guide her son through the wilds of peer relationships.
Parents of children with bipolar disorder discovered the phenomenon of social isolation long ago, and we didn’t cause it. Our children are shunned not because we noticed that they are different, but because their peers did. Their diagnoses did not cause the problem, the accompanying behaviors did. Twelve-year-olds are not known for generosity in accepting impulsive, socially awkward classmates.
Years ago, a psychologist asked my daughter to respond to statements on a long questionnaire. One of the statements was, “I feel normal.” The response choices were “always,” “sometimes,” or “never.” My daughter chose “never.” She didn’t select this option because I told her she wasn’t normal, but because her peers did.
The same psychologist offered a life raft of sorts to my very sad child. He drew the shape of a trumpet horn on a sheet of paper. The narrowest portion of the horn, he explained, represented middle school, a time when variations of “normal” behavior are not tolerated by peers. The expanding horn represented the high school years, when differences are a little more accepted, finally opening wide in young adulthood, when there is a lot more room to be different.
The trumpet analogy has turned out to be accurate. My daughter, now 20 and a sophomore in college, still blurts things out at the wrong moment, misreads social cues and is often unable to sit through long classes. But she has a small group of friends who accept her, and that is a gift I could not give her. It came with time and maturity—for my daughter and her peers.
The Pain of Social Isolation is so true for our children & us (parents). I hope with time & maturity my daughter will form a group of friends who will accept her for who she is. I pray people will not be so ignorant with mental illness in the future.
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AngieM
You are so right about the isolation that parents feel. My husband and I spent a couple of years in a cave, when we were never able to leave our daughter unsupervised and knew no one else coping with problems like ours. Then I started to share our story, and learned that others in my community were struggling too, and feeling just as isolated. The next step was forming a support group! I think we make strides against stigma when we talk about our children, because we become real and human, not abstract and 'somebody else.' I am hopeful that there will be much greater understanding in the future.
Jean
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Jean Meister
Being still fairly new in our neighborhood, after 3 years, we see our son being shunned more and more. Over the holiday weekend even our nextdoor neighbors excluded him from a gathering. There were many children, and a huge waterslide. Those children have been in our house many times to play, and in our yard. When our son, watched these festivities in clear view from our back door, he was crushed. He simply could not understand why he would not be invited to what clearly looked like a children's fest, to him. Frankly, neither could we. My husbaand and I would not even consider the exclusion of any child. We did not even know how to explain this to him. Meanwhile we dealt with a 2 hour long rage, as a result.
Last year, we had a similar experience, from another neighbor, and our son was brave enough to ask if he could join in what appeared to him as a bouncy tent for the neighbor kids. He was told "no". Again, we had to deal with the 2 hour meltdown, of crushed feelings.
This disease is difficult enough for children trying to deal; the social isolation and rejection heaps yet more pain and anger on top of an already hurting child.
Where is the love for one another? Where is the love for thy neighbor? How much further we could all get with just a little more kindness, consideration for one another.
Janelle
Hi the social isolation is normally suffered by autism or Asperger syndrome children, not usally the bipolar kid. Yes, we as parents need to arrange friends for them. otherwise leave them to their own ressources they will end up lonely all the time. the social isolation affect the kids more than adults.
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lily S
Its wonderful that you feel bp kids dont suffer social isolation....how lucky you are!These stories break my heart and I pray too that someday people will be more understanding of Mental illness.To Janette ,you are NOT alone.We switched schools in 3rd grade for a "fresh"start and different environment,and we hoped more tolerance.By the end of the year the TEACHER had one by one eliminated each friendship my son made(it was interesting to note,at the beginning of the year he was one of the most popular kids)With each new friend,as soon as they would get in trouble,the teacher would recommend to the other parents to "be aware" of "who" your child is eating lunch with,and playing on the playground.As a parent in Elementary school you want your child to do well and who would NOT listen to the teacher?( what irony that she got Teacher of the Year!)Anyway,by the end of school he was down to ONE friend.We also had a girl in his class invite the ENTIRE class to her party EXCEPT for my son!And we are basically a peria in the neighborhood,as he has been "banned" from several homes (not for 2 weeks,but FOREVER)I have even been turned down from a church youth group in our community when he returned from 9 mo. of residential treatment...the Rev. explained to me that he did not want to see parents take their children out of the youth group,they had worked so hard to build up!The philosophy of the Methodist church is "Open minds,open hearts, open doors. How I wish that was true for our beautiful children....
My daughter is 7 and has bipolar and adhd and the kids in our neighborhood and her school are not very nice to her. She gives them her things and does things they tell her to do even though she knows she should't to get the kids to like her. How do I get the point across to her that if these kids are her real friends she shouldn't have to do that stuff? She wants friends so bad, she tries to hard. It breaks my heart to hear her say nobody likes her and she has no friends. I do not know how to help her.
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april high
Hi, April --
I'm so sorry for your daughter's pain, and yours too. Her story sounds familiar.
I have a couple of thoughts. She only needs one friend. Is there a child in school or at church, etc., who is a potential ally? If she can identify one child she can rely on, she can stop trying so hard with other kids who are not treating her well.
I would also suggest finding a therapist or social worker who can do some role-playing with your daughter, so she can plan what to say and do in these awkward situations. This can build confidence in social situations, because she will be prepared with a response or exit line.
I'm sure that you are sending all the right messages--that your daughter is wonderful and talented--and hopefully, these will provide a backdrop of support that she can lean on.
Best,
Jean
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Jean Meister