Not Fine, but Better
When my daughter was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, her doctor assured us that once we found the right medicine she would be “fine.”
To me, that meant leveling out the rages and despair, no more aggression and constant conflict, and maybe even acceptance by her peers. I thought she would be normal—perhaps for the first time in her 15 years.
I clung to “fine” through many crises. Each time she improved on a new medication, my hopes soared. Then she would crash or side effects made the medication intolerable, and I felt like the floor had fallen from beneath us. In the second year of our long medication trial-and-error, I realized that the expectation of “fine” set us up for one tumble after another. Fine might not be realistic, but better was within reach.
This perspective has allowed me to appreciate the peaceful patches without being so devastated by the setbacks. It helps me to avoid the rollercoaster of this illness, and my long-term outlook also bolsters my daughter. Relapses happen, sometimes triggered by stress or poor sleep or simply the season. They are not a failure of treatment or, most importantly, of my child. Setbacks are just part of this very challenging disorder.
We haven’t found a magic medicine for my daughter, but we’ve found a combination that significantly improves her quality of life and functioning, with side effects she can live with. Psychotherapy also has been a vital support, helping my daughter to recognize creeping mania or depression and act in time to prevent a plunge.
We have recalibrated “normal.” Our normal includes ups and downs, and sometimes the extremes are frightening and exhausting. But the periods of stability have grown more and more sustained. In difficult times, I try to focus on the many improvements, not just the latest struggle.
There are new factors too—my child is now 20 and I am an adviser, not a decision-maker, in her care.
My daughter has just begun training for a marathon. She hopes running will improve her health and provide another protection against relapse. Figuratively, we have been running a marathon for years, and we’ll keep plodding along together for a long time.
She’s not ‘fine’ but she’s pretty good. I’m grateful for good, for as long as it lasts.
My baby boy Bradley is 14 this year. It is so hard to believe that we have come to this pass in the road. I have struggled so much to keep you safe. To make sure you knew you were loved and wanted. To know that it was never your fault your biological father left. I know you hate the fact he is not around. It pains me to see you so upset and when you cry I cry my heart breaks each time a tear drops. When you scream out in anger I cringe because I feel you are one step closer to loosing control of yourself. I have to be there to catch you. To catch you when you fall. I will not let you fall ever. I will always be there. That is my job as your mother. I will always have your back. I have to protect you from this awful disorder that I brought into your life. I am the one that meet your father. I married him. I became pregnant with you. Then you ask yourself why did you even have a child that could possibly have those genes to carry on the disorder. And put this poor baby through such pain. You knew his father & his grandmothers mental states. It was hereditary. There was a chance that this baby could have the bipolar genes. But you hoped it wouldn't happen. The truth is at the time you didn't even know and didn't even think about that happening to him. You thought everything was fine. He was just fine. He will be fine. He can live a normal productive life. He will have therapy and have to take medication for the rest of his life. But, he will be fine.
Good is a euphoric feeling for me too. Tim's been good for about 6 months now, and it's the first time I feel I can say he's been good for so long. He's got a goal now too - shotput, and he's doing really, really well - and I do think that makes a big difference - having a goal.
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Chrisa, 42, Chicago Suburbs, Internet eCommerce Professional
Mom to Tim, 15, Developmental Disability / Schizoaffective Disorder, Clozaril, in RTC
Also mom to Di, 14, RAD; Alex, 19, college freshman
Married to Tom, 42, SAHD and high school pole vault coach
Positive goals are great medicine! I'm so glad that Tim is doing so well, and I hope it continues for a long, long time.
Jean
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Jean Meister
Everyday I am filled with guilt over this horrible disease, I say if I would have know I wouldnt have had any children (my father and sister are bp, my dad is not diagnosed my sister is) but we all know what bp is now so I know that is started in my family with my dad). If I knew then what I knew now what would I do? That is my daily question, but there is no answer. The love I feel for my son is so intense.
He was a good boy growing up....loving, caring, smart, and funny. Then.....................i dont need to tell you guys you already know what happened then. So I can't answer my own question, becasue then i cant think of not having him during the 14 years of good stuff.
I can only hope and pray there will be more good stuff to come. I can only tell myself, that I am doing everything in my power to help this boy that I love so much. for now that needs to be enough. For now I need to remind my family how much I love them everyday. Because if I had to choose I don't know the answer. Because there is no anwer is there.
tina
bp son 15 lamical 100mg abilify 5mg
daughter 13 happy and healthy
husband sad and healthy
me heartbroken and lost
It's OK that you don't have an answer--some things we just live with. I hope it will help you feel better to know that the genes that combine to cause bipolar also carry very positive traits, including intelligence and creativity.
I see that your son was diagnosed a year ago. It might seem like an eternity, but really it's a short time. It often takes a long time to find the right medications and reach stability. The right medication is also a relative term for many. Sometimes, there is only 'better,' not 'perfect'. I hope that your son gets there soon.
I understand your heartbreak and sadness. Please also take care of yourself! This illness is debilitating to parents too, and your health and well being are very important.
Peace,
Jean
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Jean Meister
Tina
I feel exactly the same as you do. My Bradley just turned 14 in April. I adore him. He is such a huge part of my life. I believe he is my best friend. Because we just talk and share so much of the same interest. There are those days and moments when he does flip and I end up being the center of his anger. Then there are those days when I am the only one that can get thru to him and talk him down from an episode. In any case I know I will always be there for him no matter what!
Pam
Pam I wish you luck with your son. We both know how hard it is. My son had a good weekend, no major episodes for almost 4 days. That is huge for him. He usually has at least one major episode a day, and several smaller ones. I guess the meds are starting to work better. My fingers are crossed. I can't even imagine how hard this is on our boys...life at that age is confussing enough, without throwing bp into the mix. I wish you and your son well.
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tina
bp son 15 150mg lamical 10mg abilfity
daughter 13 healthy
husband of 23 years
me 44 heartbroken
Jean,
thank you for your kind words. I had a glimmer of sunshine this weekend with my son. No major
episodes in 3 1/2 days, that is a big thing for him. He isn't the same as he used to be, but this weekend
he was so much better then he has been, it brought so much happiness to me. (uped his meds on friday
it must be working). Thank you again.
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tina
bp son 15 150mg lamical 10mg abilfity
daughter 13 healthy
husband of 23 years
me 44 heartbroken
I hope the sunshine lasts a long time!
Jean
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Jean Meister
Jean thank you so much. tina
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tina
bp son 15 150mg lamical 10mg abilfity
daughter 13 healthy
husband of 23 years
me 44 heartbroken