All Friends are Not Created Equal
You know how you have a different girlfriend for different things? The girlfriend that you go to concerts with. The girlfriend you can travel with. The girlfriend that knows all about you and sticks around anyway. When I first started this journey with son, I had no idea that I would need a girlfriend just to help me with all things bipolar.
Over the years I have come to understand that no one person can be all things to you, even your spouse, as much as you might want them to and no matter how hard they try. In my situation, my husband was not my source of support, so my Plan B was to reach out to friends. What I found surprised me.
The day we moved our son into his residential school, at the tender age of seven, my neighbor mentioned to my mom how hard today must be. The neighbor added that she didn't know what to say, so she said nothing. To this day, the topic rarely comes up unless I mention him in response to the "So what did you do this weekend?" question. And this is a woman with whom I share a property line.
My neighbor is not a bad person; she's just more limited in ways I didn't understand until I needed support. This experience helped me understand that not every friend or neighbor can empathize, understand and offer a helping hand.
Cocktail parties and other social gatherings present equally challenging conversations. Most people in our town think we have only two children, our second-grader and our kindergartener. Questions like: "So, you have two kids in school, right?" or "Where do your kids go to school?" require me to pause and assess the level of receptivity of the questioner. "How much do you want to know", I ask myself. Can they handle the whole story, or do I go for the safe answer? Depending on which way they lean, I may offer a "Oh, our oldest son is at boarding school", skipping over the drama.
My dear friends of many decades (and you know who you are) have hung in there with me, God bless 'em!! Still, there are some I know I cannot turn to in a crisis, either mine or my son's. It's not that they don't get it; they're just the wrong girlfriend.
The lesson I most value: it is my expectations that have to shift, not the other person's level of emotional availability. Rather than getting upset that a friend cannot meet the need, I know now to speed dial a different number.
Awesome post, very true.
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Gerri - Mom of 3 wonderful children...that sometimes needs a little help along the way!
T 6.5,gifted with no dx pdoc says 6.5 is to young but will treat the symptoms -...Meds are: pms-risperidone liquid - 1mg/ml @ a dosage of 0.125 ml for 3 days, then (Saturday) 0.125ml morning/night and increase in 1 week to 0.125 morning and 0.25 evening if needed. Side effects are hunger and ( just found out possible breast development)
apo-benztropin 2mg @ 1/2 tablet as needed for muscle cramps/ spasm (rare side effect of the Risperidone)
M 8.5, tired of putting up with T, and my musical whiz kid
S 14 dramatic arts next year in HS RAP program, typical teenager, tired of putting up
with T's crap.
This made me think of a public service announcement campaign I just heard about, What a Difference a Friend Makes. http://www.whatadifference.samhsa.gov/site.asp?nav=nav00&content=4_0_about
The idea is " to encourage, educate, and inspire people between 18 and 25 to support their friends who are experiencing mental health problems." "This group has a high potential to minimize future disability if social acceptance is broadened and they receive the right support and services early on." I like the idea of this site helping people who need more support but aren't sure how to bring it up, or convey their needs to their friends. I know that a lot of people do want to help, but don't know how, and never end up bridging that gap of awkwardness.
It'd be great if there was a site like that geared towards parents. Perhaps this blog can help serve that purpose? Anyone who needs support and would like to talk about what they're going through can send this blog to their friends as a conversation starter. I like that idea...
Excellent article. ANd I'm sure, the story of most of our lives. I too, am fortunate to have a few friends that have been there for me for many many years, and have helped me through a lot of my sons illness.
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Melissa Van Galder, 36, Mom to:
Mikayla, 12 yr old DD, no dx.
Dylan, 2 yr old, DS, no dx.
Michael, 9 yr old DS, Dx: Childhood Epilepsy (Seizure free for 6 years), Bipolar, ADHD
Meds: Zoloft 50mg, Trileptal 1050mg, Seroquel 150mg, DDAVP .4mg, Cyproheptadine 8mg, Senna 2tabs per day, Miralax 34 grams, Fluticasone Nasal Spray 2xday.
Married to Dale, 36: Step-dad to Mikayla and Michael. Father in every sense of the word. My rock.
We all live in Western Nebraska, but son is currently in RTC in Eastern Wyoming.
So true all friends are not created equel.....i have a friend that lives in florida (me in ny) who knows all the right things to say no matter what. I vent and she tells me that I am doing all the right things, that I am a good mother, and that hopefully all my hard work will pay off.
My other friends do not know yet...i keep it hidden inside this big dark hole in my soul...so afraid to tell my secret because of the stares the hidden conversation, that at this point I can not handle.
Life is hard, life is harder with a bp child. As i sit and type this, my bp 15 yr old son his screaming at his girlfriend for going out with her friends (he has none of his own). My both dogs are sitting on my lap, and I am just praying for it to be over. The rage is on its way I already know this because this is how it always starts, the night will be full of broken objects, mean nasty words, and death wished upon me...i no longer care. Just how sad is that? No need for an answer cause I know who ever is reading this knows how sad it is.
So this place helps, I read other peoples stories, and know I am not alone, as I sit here crying, for the life I used to have, I know there are so many of you doing the same....Hard very hard...
I hope all find a few minutes in the day when you are at peace! My time is while he is at school, even though everyday one of his teachers call. I let the machine pick it up till 2 and then I return the calls, because I need alittlle piece. And with the summer coming I know I will get NONE
TINA
Hi Tina,
I understand! I'm sure many of us have felt exactly as you do now. I read your words and felt like it was my own words on screen. Life is hard.....very hard when we are raising a b/p child, or any child with special needs. I share your thoughts and then beat myself up emotionally for being hones with myself. I don't know what to say to you to comfort you. I can only say, I'm your neighbor in NJ. I really do understand. Hopefully, I'll hear from you again.
My dearest Tina,
I completely understand your feelings. My son is only 5 years old and has just been diagnosed with BP. He is a full time job in addition to my other full time job. I have finally found a college student to keep my son for me during the summer who doesn't mind my son's rage. When I get home from work, I don't even mind the broken dishes, the curtains ripped from the walls or the broken blinds because I know Eric has handled my son with care and understanding. When I ask how the day went he says " We did good today, we had a couple of bumps but we worked through them, nothing big". And of course as I look trhough the house I know they must have been more than little bumps. My husband and I are so very greatful to him. My family doesn't understand and my son has been asked to leave every school or summer camp he has attended. I have no one to discuss these issues with or feelings of helplessness with. I am trying my best to help my son but I don't know if what I am doing is right or not. I feel like a mad person trying to find a doctor or therapist who will see my son. Since he is so young no one seems to want to see him or there is a 8 month waiting list to get in. He begins school in two weeks. I am scared for him. I don't think the current medicines are working correctly but we have tried so many and I don't want to change the meds when school is just around the corner. He is so violent at 5 I don't know what I will do when he turns 15. Take care of yourself. There are days when I want to be anyone other than me.