Do The Balanced Mind Foundation Parents suffer from PTSD?
Susan Resko, Executive Director
I’ve heard several of my The Balanced Mind Foundation friends question whether they have PTSD as a result of their experiences with their bipolar child. When my son’s psychiatrist loosely suggested that parents of children who have gone through residential treatment programs “have PTSD”, I knew he really understood our plight as parents.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, “is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened.” The disorder has deservedly received increased attention due to the returning Iraq and Afghanistan veterans’ experiences. I don’t mean to minimize the traumatic events that soldiers and veterans have experienced, or equate our home lives to a true war zone.
However, to a lesser extent, many The Balanced Mind Foundation parents live in a demilitarized zone. Bipolar disorder destroys relationships, ruins marriages, wreaks havoc on family finances, and traumatizes siblings. The stigma surrounding the illness and the misunderstanding of family, friends and neighbors adds insult to injury. That doesn’t even begin to address what it does to the child suffering from the illness.
Many families suffer for years from the effects of bipolar disorder before their child gains stability. We wear a lot of battle scars. When our child displays behavior that reminds us the years when treatment wasn’t working, we often overreact. The “trigger” can be benign, typical teenage boundary testing, but it’s very hard to be objective. “Oh no, not again” is the phrase that goes through our minds. “Is she sliding into depression?” “Is he hypomanic or just enthusiastic?”
So what do we do? How do we know when to chill out and when to pick up the phone and call the doctor? Fortunately, we have each other. We can ask a question on the forums or jump in a chat room or reach out to our friends in a support group. No one can truly understand like another parent who walks in our shoes.
I also think its important to have honest conversations with our children (when we are not in the throes of an issue). Tell them that you are proud of the progress that they have made, that you are on their side and that no one could love them or support them more than you do. Gently remind them that psychiatric illnesses not only affects those who have been diagnosed, but also those who love them, and sometimes there are grey areas and we have bad memories of the past. Ask them to give you a break if you overreact because of past wounds.
I recently handed my son his ACT application requesting extended time and asked him to sign it. I didn’t realize that the school had attached his two neuropsychological exams with pages of parent reports about his earlier behavior…behavior that he had forgotten. Two hours later, he came to me dumbfounded and asked if he really used to act like that. Part of me felt guilty for inadvertently handing him those reports without any explanation. Part of me was grateful however, because it launched a great conversation about how his illness affected the family and an opportunity for us to recognize how far he had come. It will provide me with a defense the next time I overreact, and it will remind us both that things are better now and to keep it in perspective.
Do you have “parental PTSD” and how do you handle it?
Wow, I don't think this could have come at any better time. I do really feel brutalized by my son since he has gotten ill. I don't know how to handle it yet. I can tell you that even though he is so abusive to me, It hurts to think of not having him around, I still am doing everything I can to help him suceed.
Thanks for those wonder words.
God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, I just wish he didn't trust me this much.
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Amy (37) Single working Mom, Depression & Anxiety (Cymbalta 30mg)
Peter almost 13(only child)
BP1/ Communication Disorder
Current Placement: phosp
Previous Placement:Home with IEP Public School placement in private Therapeutic School
Zyprexa 5mg AM & PM. Depakote 1000mg (250 AM, 250 Noon, 500 PM) Lithium 900mg (300mg am & 600pm)
Lilybean (dog) Jack Russell Terrier 3 in September ADHD (no meds at this time)
Milwaukie, OR (near Portland, OR)
Amy, so many parents feel brutalized by their children, or I should say our children's illness (although often its so hard to remember that it is the illness causing it.) Even though I try to be understanding that the illness causes behaviors that would not otherwise happen, I never gave my son a "pass" on behavior that was disrespectful to me or dangerous to any family member. I think it helped my son succeed to keep hearing from me that certain behaviors are unacceptable. Even though I sounded like a broken record for years, he is now a very respectful young man thanks to good treatment and strong boundary setting by his parents even during the difficult years. Hang in there!
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Susan Resko
Executive Director
Susan,
I am glad you posted this. I fall into a category of a mom woh had to say enough. My daughter and her bp plus other diagnosis made our home a war zone. i like to point out that my daughters problems run deeper than most children here so someone is not discouraged by our story. She has recently been looked at for borderline personality.
Anyway I have her currently in RTC to keep her safe.
I decided a while ago I could not continue with the anxiety and made some changes. i am a recent cancer survivor and as we all know stress is a big contributor there. PTSD
is definitely in the picture with my husband and me. I believe my other 2 children were quite affected. We didn't realize the stress we were under until she was out of the house. Thiis is her 2 nd rtc and many hospitalizations. The stress that remains is from hurting inside. feeling we failed...being in disbelief that its all over.
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DIANNE 59 SAN DIEGO
NCOLE 15 RTC Utah
BP NOS RAD ADHD ODD SA
Med Wash
Dianne,
I understand your feelings of parental failure due to your daughter being in an RTC. However, recognizing a problem and taking action to correct that problem is not a sign of failure, its a sign of being a responsible, loving parent. While its not a joyous occasion by any means, you can take comfort in the fact that you made the best choice for your daughter and your family. While she is away, take this time to heal on all fronts. I hope that she comes back to you with improved health.
Take care,
Susan Resko
Executive Director
I would definitely say that I still suffer from an unreasonable fear of my stepson. Whether it is PTSD or not, I can't say. He moved in with us when he was 9 years old after years of problems with his mother. He was first hospitalized at 10 years old after attacking me while I was pregnant. He ended up in an RTC at 12 years old after attacking his little brother and me, and trying to kill his father with a baseball bat. He's been in therapeutic boarding school since then. I couldn't have him in the house anymore. It was about to destroy our whole family. I was afraid for my life and the life of my husband and son. I often feel extremely guilty, but I know that we did everything we could to help him. I also believe that he has done better in a therapeutic setting. He now wants to move back with his mother, and she feels so guilty she's going to let him. I'm so scared for him. He always thinks things will be better somewhere else.
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Kathleen (stepmom to Ryan, 16, bipolar)
It's been seven years since my son last hit me, but I am still afraid of him and walk on egg shells around him. He used to brutally assault me, even in public so that bystanders would call the police or security guards would come pull him off me. He even tried to stab me once. He has been stable on medication since he was nine and is now 16, and has not made a single aggressive move in all that time. Now - the pdoc says he's doing so well, let's take him off his medication. I am freaking out!
well my son has not hit me he has told his friends he want to kill me and i now watch him very close especially around my daughter . I don't walk on eggshells but i do often find myself isolating away from him . I love my son but i truly feel that if this counselor ( the new one i think this is the 5th)dont work then he has to go because he is causing me to have pstd i truly believe i have head aches for days of worrying scared that some one might hurt him because of his anger. The i feel like iam always in the middle between him and my husband my daughter's father because he tell my son if he hurts her or me the he has to go and i dont want to see that happen but my husband said that he want things back and that if that means letting go the so be it. it is so hard for me i don't sleep i eat once a day i have no friends because my son has cursed them or there children so they stop coming around and my family they are afraid of him so they dont come around they call to check on me and my daughter that it. the only people i see is the pdoc the counselor or the school administrator.so there is some truth to the theory of pstd!!! iam so tired this disorder ruined my 1st marriage and it hurt becsue we split bc of my son not because we didn't love eachother and if something don't turn around soon in this situation i see be beign divorced and again and i am not leaving alone with him his anger is out of control !
NOS BP son 13yrs old; risperdal takes 1mg tablet every morning;1.5 at bedtime & seroquel 200 mg at bed time .
My grandson, age 7, and his Mom (my daughter) live with me but I watch my grandson almost 24/7. He has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Intermittant Explosive Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He is on Risperdal but his psychiatrist is at a loss as to what medication to put him on due the weight gain of so many drugs. He has already gained 40 pounds in 2 years on the Risperdal and that is the only med that seems to help. BUT, back to the PTSD..I feel like I am married to my 2nd husband who abused me for 5 years. He calls me lazy if I don't jump up and get him his lunch when he is ready. He hits me if doesn't get his way. He tells me how to drive and yells at me if I didn't take the road he wanted to take. If I ask him to get me something he starts the rant again about how lazy I am..If I don't park exactly in between the lines in a parking space he calls me a stupid idiot. After I got divorced I would hear a song that reminded me of my EX and I would get hysterical..My grandson walks into a room and I get the same way. I'm at the end of my rope. If it wasn't for my elderly parents that I have to take care of on weekends I don't know what I'd do. ~Lost~
you are truly a wonderful grandmother. I honestly don't know how you do it. I wont even allow my
mother to come and visit me (we live in different states) because I am so afraid of how this will affect her.
The last time she seen my son (over a year ago) I was just starting to notice a change in him (my husband thought
I was crazy). Now a year later, and she is nervous to call me cause she hears the screaming and raging going on.
I wish you luck, please keep your head up, you deserve respect. But, as you already know that is hard for a
bp kid to show. If it helps at all, I have been told that, a bp child strikes out tothe people closest to them.
So he does know youlove him. May you find a few minutes of peace in everyday! Thats what I pray for
everyday of my life now, god just a few minutes is all I ask..He has listened and given me 4 solild days.
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tina
bp son 15 150mg lamical 10mg abilfity
daughter 13 healthy
husband of 23 years
me 44 heartbroken
Hello I 'am new to this group. I have a 17 year old daughter that has a mood disorder. she isn't living with me right now. She had been in several hospitals through out the years and on every medication possible. She has also been in two RCT programs. She was doing better. Starting in Oct. she started going down hill. She wasn't going to school and wouldn't talk about anything and stayed in her room and slept and ate. I tried everything to help her. Changed some of her meds was working with case workers that I called in etc. In Jan. she attacked me durn a arguement we had while out shopping. She bite me through a leather jacket and stole my cell phone and took off. I called the police and they went to her dads and arrested her. She has been living with her dad ever since and I haven't seen her because the court has a stay away order. She has been going back and forth to court. Her dad doesn't understand how to deal with her and I 'am worried about her saftey and even feel like he and his girlfriend may be brain washing her. My daughter doesn't talk to me at all and she doesn't want anything to do with me. I have even called a case worker in on the case at dads house. She is envolved I spoke to her once and I have called her for weeks and won't return my calls. I don't know what I can do at this point to help her. I worry about her everyday and have been crying daily because I miss her and love her. I really felt that I needed to get some support before I loose my mind.
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Amy
WOW!!!! I honestly don't even know where to begin! I think this post has just saved me!! There are countless perfessionals that I have seen with my daughter for her BP, and I have stressed to them that I am truely worried about myself! Until I read this I have not been able to understand my feelings and my wellbeing! My very exsistance is all about takeing care of my daughter and trying to get her stable, but, The seclusion, the rages, the anxiety, the stress, the sadness, the guilt of how did she end up with this? Is it something we as parents did? In the mist of all this, I truely have forgotten the important key...ME! I try to remind myself daily that I'm doing a good job, but yet there's days after one Her of rages that I am physically exhausted as well as mentally exhausted to even have enough strength to shower! ( that's embarressing ) Or when a good friend calls and I ignore the phone, too exhausted to even wanna talk! These are effects from my 1 child, I also have a teenager and a 9 yr old who also need me! My husband says he's on board, but most of the time he makes it worse for ME!!!! With his little comments towards me that I'm stressing too much, or I'm handeling a certain situation wrong, or when he just sits there among the mist of total cahos! ( I honestly can't help myself, I do sometimes get worked up over nothing ) If this sounds anything like PTSD, how would I present this to someone for help? If this is PTSD, is there something the can give me for help?
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Gonna be 32 in April,Some depresson , currently not on ayhing, married for 10yrs, 3 kids / son 16yrs old in may / son 9yrs old: ADHD,ODD ( meds are Vyvanse ) / daughter 6yrs old:Bipolar, ADHD ,anxiety( Guanfacine ( tenex) 1mg mourning & after school, Seroquel 25mg before school and 3 pm, Seroguel 100 mg at bed time, public school in the am. And 12:30-4pm attends Rogers hospital day treatment program starting Tues 4/15.
My now 15 year old son has hit me from the time he was two till age ten, when the right med cocktail was found, for at least a couple of years it worked fine. I have had to hospitalize him four times, the last one at age 15 for attempted suicide and cutting himself. Yesterday, he went into a bipolar rage when I took his game away for not taking his meds. He choked me, leaving huge bruises around my neck and chest. He also hit me and knocked me down to the floor. I did the only option I had, I called the police and they arrested him for fourth degree assault. As I type this, I can't help but feel a failure as a parent. I have made sure he had unconditional love, the best doctors, meds and treatments. When he tried to hurt others, I placed him in a mental facility. When he tried to hurt himself, I placed him in a mental facility. Now my only option is a residential stay of 8 months for him or let him go to jail. I know in jail, he will only get worse. I go to court on Monday, so scared of the outcome. Knowing that jail or the residential facility, will only make his anger towards me grow, when all I am trying to do is to keep him from haring himself or anyone else. Has anyone else here ever had to make such a decision?
He is bipolar, ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder.
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Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland